Thursday, September 15, 2005

"Walk This Way..."

The upcoming issue of the journal Nature includes interesting findings about why humans get around they way we do. Cornell University engineers Manoj Srinivasan and Andy Ruina used computer models to simulate various ways people could get from point A to point B. They took into account several variables including: speed, leg length, muscle mechanics, and efficiency. Here's what they concluded:

Human physiology makes three methods of locomotion most effective:

1)Walking
2)Running
3)Speed walking

Interestingly, humans usually either walk or run. We don't see many people doing the speed-walk thing. Why? Other than it makes you look silly, it's not as efficient for it's respectable speed when compared to walking for slow speeds and running for fast speeds. Hopping and skipping were not very efficient at all. The way we walk and run makes us unique in the Animal Kingdom.

Funny how walking is also an indicator of health, mood, personality, social-status, and individual attitude. We all have our own individual ways of walking - some more observable than others. I thought about all the different kinds of walking and came up with a few distinct types:

The Roxbury Jig: You've seen them in the clubs - confident look in their eyes, chest puffed out like a peacock, and upright manly gait. These are the Rico Suaves...the Alpha Males doing their thing. They want the ladies to make sure they know exactly who is THE MAN. Also, these are the morons that refuse to even make the slightest adjustment to move when walking through a crowded aisle...oh no - they are Kings of the Jungle. They also probably still live at home and play really loud bass in their little Fiberglas cars. Hey Vinny Testosteroni, that thumping bass will make you impotent.

The Stealth Side-Step: This one's funny to watch. Just sit down on a bench at any local mall and find some (typically) larger guy with an uncomfortable look on his face. Mr. Sour-Puss has a massive wedgie...and there's no way to overtly remove the sticking underwear that's firmly wedged in his crack. There's only one thing to do...and do it so NOBODY notices...and that's the Stealth Anti-Wedgie Maneuver. With one swift side-step, as though he was doing the doe-si-doe square dance, he's able to pull his leg forward - keep his trunk sideways - and get that dental floss right outta there! Way to go my man! 9.0...9.0 all the way!

The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies: Maybe it's the trendy sun glasses, the new wave hair, or the stylish clothing. It even could be the man-purse that's swinging wildy from the hip. It's probably the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies walk he's doing that's giving it away. You've seen this walk...it's more flamboyant than even Rue Paul. Arms swinging wildly, limp wrist flailing about. This walk is the Anti-Roxbury Walk - as the Roxbury is hyper-masculine, the Sugar Plum Dance is hyper-gay. G-A-Y...gay!

The Lost My Manhood Stroll: Oh man...this one is the saddest to discuss. In front is the assertive, independent, makin'-the-bacon-fry-it-up-in-a-pan- woman of the new Millennium. Following at a distance behind is the slothy, pathetic, eating-the-bacon-but-having-to-carry-my-lady's-purse- man of the New Age. One question: Why? Donde esta tu cahones? Now drop the purse, walk away from the intimate apparel department, and go find your manhood now! Your father would spit on you...or laugh his ass off.

I've Got the Go-Gos: Too much beer? Too much water? Too much soda? Who knows...but this walking style is unmistakable. I believe this is where the speed-walking comes into play for homosapiens. Walking is too slow, and they will end up wetting their pants. Running is too much movement - the jostling will shake their bladders and they will wet their pants. They need to get there fast, but with as little movement as possible - like a Formula One race car. When a child has The Go-Gos, it's not funny. You feel for the kid. When an adult has the Go-Gos...now that's entertainment.

The Ghetto Swang: Think JJ Walker on "Good Times." Imagine him in his polyester suit, wide brim hat, white shoes doin' his thang down the street. He's walking in slow motion, because to him...walking is an art. His arms will swing wildy...one shoulder might take the lead and then pull straight back. It will remind you of Quasimodo on his way back to Notre Dame. If you're behind him and in a hurry, you're annoyed at his snail's pace. If there are others, they are doin' da Ghetto Swang too. So don't bother, just sit back and enjoy their artistic form. If they're old school, you might see one with a giant "Ghetto Blaster." If they're younger, you might see their underwear when their baggy pants begin to fall down with each step.

No matter your style, just keep in mind that how you walk can tell people a lot about you. From your individual gait, others can believe you're a studly wannabe or "Dyno-mite!"



Have a GREAT weekend everybody!

9 comments:

Storm Trooper said...

I might steal the picture of the handicapped guy and use it as my pic. Ha ha - made me laugh.

The Phoenix said...

Mr. Clone...
Yeah, that's a great picture. Funny how we all have a different perspective of the same picture. To you, he looks like he came from the "short bus." To me, he looks gay. Maybe to someone else, he's really cool.

KC said...

"I've Got the Go-Go's" is a familiar one to me. I used to work in bars and this particular walk was usually done by women while standing in line for the restroom. There was a lot of standing on one foot then the other while holding the crotch area. I can't recall ever seeing a line at the men's room. Why is that? Do they pee faster than women? I doubt it.

The Phoenix said...

Well, men can do the drive-by whizzing. So I expect that men probably do take less time peeing.
Does holding the crotch really shut the valve off?

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