Thursday, October 20, 2005

Be Fart-Smell Free With Flat-D

Fart, passing gas, breaking wind, cutting the cheese, air monkey, anal accoustics, butt burps, morning thunder...there are a thousand different names for flatulence, and it's one of the things in life that we ALL do. But for some, flatulence is a real problem. Until recently, there hasn't been a solution to help those with gastronomical reprocussion issues. May I introduce...

The Flat-D.

How does it work?

The Flatulence Deodorizer is a charcoal pad that is worn in your underwear, strategically placed to absorb any "poop fumes." The Flat-D is reusable and effective. It's like having your own butt filter! There's no side effects, medicines to take, or any complicated procedures...just line it up with your anus, tape the Flatulence Deodorizer to your underwear, and you're good to go.

Brian Conant is not only the inventor of the Flatulence Deodorizer, but he's an avid user. Brian had retired from the Hawaii Army National Guard. It was there where Brian came up with the idea for Flat-D. During a simulated chemical attack, soldiers were wearing chemical protective clothing. While wearing the clothing he released gas and noticed that he couldn’t smell any odor nor could anyone else. Thus, Flat-D was born!

How effective is Flat-D? Just read the REAL testimonies below:

Josie from Chicago...I remember the desperation and anxiety I felt as one night I searched intently to find a solution to my humiliating problem that was worsening. I came across your website and I purchased the deoderizer. It was the answer to my prayers. I facetiously tell my close friends that many lives of those around me have been spared my body's wrath, but comedy aside I am truly grateful to your company.

Ryan... How in the heck does this work ! ! ! This is AMAZING ! ! ! I work in an office with cubicles and my co-workers were on the verge of kicking my @$$ because of my flatulance.... the Flat-D solved this problem 100% ! ! ! Theres not even a hint of smell any more.... NOTHING ! ! ! I dont know how it works.... but its amazing!

Dawn... It has been much more pleasant in our home since we received the Flat-D. Especially at night in our bedroom. "Fluffing" the covers no longer is a bad thing. Thank you Flat-D, you’re a breath of fresh air. (literally).

For an alternative to Flat-D, you could try "Pong-Proof Pants" described by Pixie.

Quick Fart Facts:

* On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day - distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

* Foods that "fuel the fire" include: beans, corn, bell peppers, cauliflower, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, and raisins. These foods contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria consume these sugars, and the end result is gas.

* The animal that farts the most in the world is...the termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes, they produce as much methane as human industry. So blame global warming on termites!


Kay said...

Move over, Beano... Now there's something better!

marazion said...

Dear Phoenix. Gas and murder-suicide. Ah, the blog.
Thanks for stopping by!I'll add you to my daily checklist.

cube said...

You haven't met my dog, Dax. Pound for pound, that dog will beat any bunch of flatulent termites.

FantasticAlice said...

How the hell did you find that!?!


Chicken Little said...

There's a couple of people here who just won't bathe. Can they make clothing entirely lined with charcoal head-to-toe to take care of the odors?

the weirdgirl said...

I so know a couple of people who could use this (names withheld for their protection). Thanks... this was both entertaining and useful!

KC said...

Is this for real? Probably so. You and Pixie come up with some weird and funny stuff!

The Phoenix said...

Yeah, this is a legitimate product. I "got wind of this" from my Muse (name witheld per confidentiality agreement).

Seriously, you can order these on They have stuff for dogs, and other products.

Chicken Little, maybe you could just purchase the Flat-D chair pad, since those stinky guys leave their body odor on your chairs.

siren said...

I think these would make great stocking stuffers. I'm going to order a case for my brothers, who often "step on a duck" or listen for the call of the rare "African barking spider".

Stef Levolger said...

Lol, people definately come up with the most weird stuff :P. I can already see this being introduced on TV shopping centres like Tell Sell, etc. It would definately fit with the rest of their products :P.

Grafs said...

This is great. The yang and I were just joking about inventing something like this after being fumigated by a friend. I know what I'm getting him for Xmas!

Mojotek said...

Bwahahahahaha! I love it. My brothers and I need to get a year's supply.

Sherri said...

I'll bet this guy is making millions!

The testimonials are just too funny!

ObilonKenobi said...

That post stinks!

The Phoenix said...

It WOULD make a great Christmas present for your loved ones that just seem to have problems with "anal percussion."

Gotta be careful with the taping of the wouldn't want to get any hairs stuck to the tape.

Pixie said...

LMAO@ Gotta be careful with the taping of the wouldn't want to get any hairs stuck to the tape.

Josh said...

Awesome, I'll combine this with my man-bro of Seinfeld fame and then I'll really be a ladies man!

LizzieDaisy said...

So it was the milk... damn.

And yeah... tape... ouch. And speaking of being hairless, if you want a REAL out loud laugh on that subject, check this out. There's some good stuff in the comments too.

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