Wednesday, December 7, 2005

all naatural poweerful ereeeeectioooons

The title above is an actual subject on one of my spam e-mails from October 23, 2005.

There are over 40 billion e-mails exchanged around the world in one day, and around 40% of that is spam. That's a whole lotta spam. Who falls for this crap anyway?

Apparently, a lot of men are falling for these kinds of advertising. Sales of Longitude, penis enlargement pills often advertised on the internet and television a couple years ago, were up around $80 million in 2003. That's a lot of pills, that's a lot of money, and that's a lot of disappointed and short-changed men (pun intended).

And you still see advertisements in other mediums including television and magazines. Everyone knows about that stupid smiling Bob that goes around impressing neighbors, losing his shorts in the pool, and hitting the golf ball further than everyone because of his newfound confidence. Enzyte, made by Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals Incorporated, originally was advertising that it would increase your penis size by 41%.

David Parker, of Sydney Austrailia, had a filed a class action lawsuit against the makers of Enzyte last year. "Mr Parker took Enzyte for the directed eight-month period, but "experienced no increase", the lawsuit stated. "Mr Parker went to get his double-your-money-back offer, and they said it was no longer in effect. The lawsuit states that "Berkeley's failure to honour its 'double your money back' guarantee was deceptive, unconscionable, and fraudulent."

Products like Longitude and Enzyte contain natural herbs and suppliments - many of them believed to increase penis power. Things like ginseng root, ginko biloba, saw palmetto, and maca are believed to have been used as sexual enchancements for centuries.

True, many of the ingredients are showing promise in helping men's health in certain areas. But again, is there the right quantity in the bottle to help? Is it the right quality to help? Is it safe?

Many of these pills say they help increase blood flow to the penis. OK...that's what Viagra does. But it doesn't permanently make your penis bigger. "It makes no sense medically," according to urologist Kenneth Goldberg from Dallas. "There's no way that increasing blood flow to the penis, as Enzyte claims to do, will actually increase its size."

With the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994, the FDA's ability to require information on adverse drugs reactions and tests for safety and efficacy for these suppliments is non-existent. In other words, those vitamins you're taking have NOT had to meet any real standards at all.

It's really about making money and selling dreams. "You've got an industry that just can invent something, grind up some root, put it in a bottle, [and] sell it," said Dr. Sydney Wolfe, author of Best Pills, Worst Pills. When you have a company spending over $1 million per month on advertising, it's easy to see where their resources are going.

With Enzyte, you'll pay nearly $100 for 60 capsules. Longitude was around $60 a bottle, but cost only $2.50 per bottle to manufacture! Talk about money-maker.

What's the solution?

How about trashing all those stupid spam e-mails? These products prey on a man's obsession with having a bigger penis. It's that simple. They hit on men's insecurties. Couple that with performance anxiety and inferiority complexes, you've got a ton of guys willing to pay a lot of money for a "miracle pill."

Here's a list of some things that do not, may not, might, or do help male sexual health:

1)Various exercise techniques, often called "Jelq" or "Jojido" exercises. This is based on the premise that if you crank your yank in various ways, you'll strengthen the penis and it will grow. This is a bunch of hogwash. After pressing, pulling, and yanking, and tearing, all you're going to get is a sore and inflammed member. Now STOP it!

2)Lose weight. Being overweight will make your unit look smaller. High blood pressure also negatively affects erections.

3)Pumps. Ouch! Pumps don't make you bigger permanently. And you could hurt yourself, Hoover-boy!

4)Viagra/Cailis. Do NOT buy this stuff via internet or spam. You do not know what you're getting.

5)Surgery. Side effects include scarring and loss of function. Plus, with the injections, you might end up with a lumpy looking penis. Um, no thanks.

6)Using weights. Again, ouch! Stretching the tunica albuginea is dangerous. Plus, it will probably really really hurt. What if you break it?

7)Proper, safe, proven suppliments. "Nature's Viagra." Make sure to get them from a reputable source that follows the United States Pharmacoepia standards. These helpful suppliments are:

Horny goatweed - wow, this stuff actually makes you horny
Niacin - B3 also lowers bad cholestorol and increases the good stuff.
Omega-3 fatty acids - does a body good
Pycnogenol and L-arginine - Batman and Robin of good penis health.
Pycnogeonol is an antioxidant and helps with blood circulation. L-arginine has been known to help with erection duration and quality.
OPCs - oligomeric proanthocyanidins (phew!). Powerful antioxidant and blood vessel protector. (By the way, I take these every single day).

8)Getting the right information. Dr. Steven Lamm is an expert in this field, and his book, The Hardness Factor, cuts through all the bull and gives men the facts - and a step by step plan to increase sexual fitness.

PT Barnum said, "There's a sucker born every minute." Don't be a sucker. BUYER BEWARE! So trash that spam, remove that heavy weight you've tied to your unit, and go find some horny goat weed! Then go to a mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and I'm HARD enough. And doggone it, people like me!"

* * * *
*Thanks goes out to Todd The Turtle for the idea to post about this topic. Thanks for the e-mail back in October that lead to my research.


angel, jr. said...

I often get those penis enlargement spams. At first I thought maybe one of my buddies gave the company as a joke. Then a little paranoia set in and had me thinking--"how do they know the size of my manhood".
Now I just delete the buggers.

grrrbear said...

By specifically promoting certain specifically-named products - isn't this post technically spam?

Don't worry, I'm ignoring it, just like you said... ;-)

The Phoenix said...

Those are specific suppliments, and you can Google them to find more info. or hit any links I found.

Just have to make sure what you're getting meets the USP guidelines. Otherwise, you are wasting your money or might be putting yourself in danger.

james said...

It's incredible how blatantly obvious the spam is though. How can anyone fall for a message telling you to:

"Use Soft Viagra and do the sex every night"


I get hundreds of spam emails a day (my fault, I "unsubscribed" to a dubious mailing lists once, just to see how much spam I would get, and not a single one makes me wanna click the links.

delmer said...

>>All naatural poweerful ereeeeectioooons<<

When I read that line I hear Doug from King of Queens delivering it.

:P fuzzbox said...

When I read your post, I thought of the old Red Foxx stand-up routine about being so poor that he slept in the same bed with his four brothers. He was forced to alter his masterbation technique so that it resembled warming his hands on a cold day. His penis was then 18 inches long but only as wide as a straw.

Meagan said...

Delmer: HA! I can totally hear that!!

Phoenix: I'm so very impressed with all the research you put into your blog posts!

Jenn said...

Haha! You're list cracked me. You freakin' rock!

I don't ever read spam, like literally. So I have no idea what goes in there. I'm the queen of delete.

And really, if the boys knew that it really isn't the size of the wand but the magic in it. This wouldn't be a promlem!

P.S. I like your previous post. I always wondered who The Phoenix was. And I know I linked you "The Phoenis" but, it will get fixed. SOME day.

Anhoni Patel said...

argh. I hate spam. I especially hate SPAM telling me I have a penis and that I need to enlarge it. Do your research people!! I am penis-less!!

The Phoenix said...

What is "soft Viagra" anyway? Viagra in jello form? Or does it only get you half-hard?

That's the next generation of spam bots...spam that actually scans the reader and then sends the appropriate e-mail...

I get spam for breast enlargement, so whenever man-boobs becomes the latest rage, I know where to turn to.

"Phoenis"...ha, that's a good one.

Jim said...

Well, now I know how I'm going to spend my day :)

Laurie said...

I hate those stuuuuupid commercials with "Bob" - have you seen his "wife"? No wonder he can't get it up.. LOL

And like Jenn said, it's not the quantity, but the quality that matters to us ladies, anyway. Too much of a good thing ain't good.

Theresa said...

So informative! Boy I miss Stewart...

Sherri said...

I get the "pen1s enlargement" spam mails constantly! They are getting crafty, those spammers. They are starting to put numbers in place of letters to throw off your spam blockers. (notice I used a 1 instead of an I)

the weirdgirl said...

Excellent post! Though I had to wonder about the "yanking" being detrimental to penises. Every time I've done it the guy hasn't seemed to mind. ;P

NowhereGirl said...


What the fuck???

I will admit: as a bachelor party gift... Nowhere Guy got an extender thingie from his guy friends as a joke.

We tried it.

I am here to state that bigger is NOT always better.

It can actually be scary. Ha ha

Crazy Dan said...

Masterbation may not make your penis bigger but it helps.

Horny Goatweed works? I saw that stuff at GNC and thought it was a joke.

The Phoenix said...

You people are so funny.

If I got an extender-thingy from a bachelor party, I might use it to stuff sausages.

Horny goatweed - it works. In a clinical trial, double-blind/placebo test, 85% of the men reported significant increase and quality of their sex lives. There was a dramatic increase in sexual dreams and fantasies by the men.

Jennifer said...

Damn. Do they make horney goatweed for women?

Also, quitting smoking helps the libido and erections.

Fortunately I have spam filters on my e-mail, and a wonderfully effective spam filter on my blog!

Whoopie! I WAS getting 50 or so a day. On my blog. Sheesh!

FLAMINGO1 said...

I chubbed up just reading this.

Keshi said...

Im a happy girl now :) LOL!


Bruce said...

Hey, at least Jenn just typed one wrong letter in your link. She got my entire name wrong; called me Ben.. .lol

ObilonKenobi said...

I can't believe Horny Goat Weed is a real thing. I mean it really makes you horny? I thought it was a really bad marketing idea. Again, anyone who falls for these email spams are big time gullible.

As for the penile elongator, I say, "It's not my bag baby!"

Josh said...

Oh geez, the title of your post says it all. My yahoo filters do a pretty good job of stopping most of the crap, but occassionaly a mortgage refinance or improve your sex life offer slips through.

Eventually evolution should weed out the people that fall for this stuff, right?

Jim said...

dating someone really hot also works, and I should have the credit card bills paid off in a couple years

Jamie Dawn said...

This post was funny, but it was also very educational. Men get hit with these stupid ads, and we women get hit with ads that claim to make our breasts grow. Isn't anyone happy with themselves?
Very good post.

Jillian said...

Yeah I'm a woman and I ALSO get that sort of really dumb spam male about getting penis enlargements. I don't get it - at ALL! LOL -- Your post was pretty funny though. I enjoyed the bit about Enzyte. You notice that almost all of the Enzyte commercials are on Comedy Central? Yeahhhhh...Weird. :-)

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