Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Phoenix's Christmas Gift Picks

It's that time of year, and perhaps you've got some last minute gifts to get for your loved ones. Here are just a few unique, interesting, useful, and useless inventions and gadgets that probably isn't on anyone's wishlist.



P-Mate
I'm sure it's every woman's dream to be able to pee standing up. The P-mate allows you ladies to do just that! This is not a really new invention, as Europeans have been using a version of this for years. It's just coming to America this year, and just think...now females can pee their name into the snow this holiday season too.


Nuke Alert
This is no ordinary keychain. After a nuclear or dirty bomb explodes, you want to make sure you're safe from harmful radiation, right? This keychain can alert you to the radiation level in your environment by utilizing a series of chirps to tell you just how dangerous it is. Just make sure not to bring the Nuke Alert with you to Christmas dinner, as the high concentration of methane might set this thing off.


The PetsCell
It's exactly what it sounds like - a cell phone for your dog. You feel guilty spending so much time at work, away from your best friend? You can call your dog's cell phone number, and have an actualy conversation with your doggie. Isn't that great? You can also spy on Fido. If he's destroying your furniture, you can listen firsthand to the sound of ripping upholstry.


Clocky
Are you like me and have this uncanny ability to strike the snooze button and fall right back into the heavenly abiss called deep sleep...only to find that you've been rapid firing on the snooze 12 times and you're now an hour late for work? Clocky is for you. When clocky's alarm loudly beeps you awake, it suddenly takes off - doing a 'Dukes of Hazzard' leap off your nightstand, and then careens across the room on off-road wheels. You're forced to get your lazy ass out of bed to turn this demon-on-wheels off. I think Clockly looks like a giant loaf of bread with wheels.


Rorshock
Faithful readers of 'The Phoenix' know how interested I am in psychology. Now you too can take psycho-analysis wherever you go. Imagine what a wonderful holiday you could have - big dinner, exchange of presents, and then do Rorchach Ink Blot Personality Tests with the family! What a great way to uncover why Daddy ignores you and why Mommy hates how pretty you are. Move over Freud!

Magneurol6-S
Don't you wish you had telepathy? Don't you wish you were psychic? For those that are not born with the gift of psychic power, now you can have it. Taking this pill will "open the door to your 6th sense." Scientists have found that in animals that have uncanny sensory abilities (i.e. dolphins, homing pigeons), they had a high concentration of micro-bits of magnetite in their bodies. By taking Magneurol6-S, you will increase the levels of magnetite crystals in your body, and thereby make you more senstive to the extraordinary powers of the Earth's electromagnetic forces.



And finally...

The SmartKlamp
The future of delicate surgery is nanotechnology and robotics. Robots controlled by surgeons are beginning to perform procedures, and it seems the future of medicine is robotics. Here's another quantum leap in robotic surgery...the SmartKlamp! Why have a regular doctor or trained rabbi do your circumcision when the SmartKlamp can easily do it for you - with amazing precision and speed. Whether it's a religious purpose or some of you guys out there are tired of your "hood," the SmartKlamp is for you. There is a big market for this product, and I'm sure boys will have no problem sticking their penis inside a plastic tube filled with knives.



Merry Christmas! To those serving our country overseas and their families, may you find yourselves in the arms of your loved ones very very soon.

Best wishes, from The

48 comments:

Mojotek said...

While the P-mate might take the weirdest award, my personal favorite is "Clocky". I desperately need one of these. If I had to chase my alarm clock around the room in frustration every morning, I might be more motivated to get up the first time it goes off (instead of after the 9th).

But the Radiation watch sems to be the funniest. Imagine being able to control when it went off, and you could make it sound like a Geiger Counter. You could keep pointing it at your boss during a meeting and raising your eyebrows at the amount of 'dangerous gamma rays' he's putting off.

siren said...

I have to agree that Clocky seems like the most useful gift out of all of the choices. I like the phrase "rapid firing on the snooze"....that is so me. It would be even better if it were a loaf of bread on wheels...then it could roll itself into the kitchen and make me some toast while I sleep.

KC said...

I've heard of the P-Mate before, but have never seen one. I'm not sure I could trust it. Or, maybe it's that I wouldn't trust myself to apply it correctly and then would have to wander around with urine-soaked clothing. Naw... I think I'll skip it.

Sherri said...

LOL! OMG!! 'The Hood'.....

I literally laughed my butt off about the smartklamp . :D

the weirdgirl said...

I had a girl friend try to teach another friend how to pee standing up AT A WEDDING! Needless to say, friend number two had pee-soaked panties for the rest of the event (not that she stayed long). I think I'll send her the P-mate.

Reiki said...

I can already pee standing up...all those Kegels I guess, and I don't need the rorshach (sp?) as I already know my family is nuts and I don't need to be circumsized, or have a pet, and my kids are my alarm clock. I guess I'm one of those girls that already has it all and impossible to shop for...

Jade said...

If the Smartklamp didn't have knives... I thought it was for pleasure. Ouch!

Anhoni Patel said...

I actually got a Rorshock set for x-mas last year. The P-Mate sounds amazing. I envy guys for their ability to "whip it out". Argh.

Please say this can't be serious = "The SmartKlamp"

Jamie Dawn said...

I read all of these, but that P-mate one overshadowed my ability to concentrate on anything else. That is utterly hitonious!
I think that Clocky would be a great gift for some people I know. Very cool idea.

Thanks for my very own button link!!!
Yippppeeeee!!

Ben Heller said...

I tried some of that magneurol, and it doesn't work.

There was no extra sensory enhancement.......just a strong urge for seeds and nuts, and my neck started to jerk inexplicably.


Ben

:P fuzzbox said...

Cool gift ideas. Clocky is another idea whose time has come. Although I am holding at for the Swash.

Jim said...

I was going to give you a Lexus, but if it's this stuff you want then I'll go shopping tomorrow. I saw the Clocky at Target for half off.

Keshi said...

lol okkkk Phoenix!

**I'm sure it's every woman's dream to be able to pee standing up

ewwwwww na not mine! ROFL! I mean which woman wants pee like this?? Is this for real Phoenix or u just made this up? lol!


Anyways...some very funny gifts hahahaha!


Have a very merry Christmas Phoenix and may you be surrounded by the joyous spirit of Xmas all through the new year!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

And thanks so much for that very pretty icon for me - wow I was stoked :)


Keshi.

The Phoenix said...

I get more of a kick reading all your funny comments than actual posting. You people are too funny.

ObilonKenobi said...

Clocky!!! Now why didn't I think of that. that would be the most annoying yet clever invention ever made. P-Mate just is wrong. Wrong I tell you. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Merry Christmas.

Bruce said...

I knew you were going to mention the magneurol before I saw it...

Erin O'Brien said...

The P-mate shines a whole new light on the term "penis envy." Marvelous, Phoenix, just splendid.

How's about you and I get together and figure out how to hook up a couple of plastic bags and a brassiere. We'll add some tubes and valves and call it the Boy Breast Feeder.

Hmm ....

Jenn said...

Great gift ideas!! I wish I would have came here BEFORE I did my shopping. All my friends are getting a P-Mate for their birthdays.

It's werid, just a couple of weekends ago the guys were telling us about it and we joked about it for hours. I thought they were drunk talking.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Phoenix! XOXOX

ziggystardust73 said...

"smartklamp". mate, that shit is scary!!!!

kyknoord said...

Thanks, dude! I was ALL out of ideas.

The Phoenix said...

I think the P-mate could be dangerous in the hands of a drunk woman. Talk about 'friendly fire.'

As far as the SmartKlamp goes, how smart would you be putting you penis in a mini blender? Even is my most drunkeness of drunkenesses, I wouldn't do such a thing.

I think the dog cell phone and the Clocky have the best legit chances of being bigtime sellers with the public.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh I SO want a P-mate! I even blogged a while back about how I have penis envy...but only when it comes to peeing names in the snow.

My husband said I could use his but somehow...I just don't think it'd be the same.

*sigh*

Eve said...

They TOTALLY have something with the p-mate. I live with 3 men and am totally jealous of the Joy of Penis at times.

Particulcarly when I am performing the Woman Balancing Act (no tush on seat)in a 100 degree Johnnie on the Spot that smells like ASS. There is a pile of someone else's POOP looking up at me and my purse strap is soaking up someone else's urine on the floor.

yummy. Sorry for the disturbing visual?!

PMate... hmmm, may look into that ;) He he

Pixie said...

very visual NG...

That p-mate is hilarious.Although in the movie "the full monty" this one woman manages to aim and pee into the urinal on the wall.* I have never tried this btw, It just came to mind.

Big Pissy said...

I think Tom Cruise has been slipping Katie some of that Magneuro 16-S. Sounds just like something he'd be alllll about!

Back years ago when I ran regularly, I learned how to pee standing up b/c of those long runs training for my one and only marathon. Of course I had running shorts on so that made it easier... :)

Laurie said...

My new puppy needs a cellphone. Yeah.

I can pee my name in the snow without one of those contraptions.. ;-)

The Phoenix said...

OK, this whole women peeing like men thing has intrigued me...

Pissy, so did you pee while you ran? You peed in your running shorts? I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm trying to imagine anyone - man or woman - just peeing in their shorts as they round a corner during a marathon.

The other ladies that say they can pee standing up, how is that possible? You must do Super-Mega Kegels or something. Or it could be one of those 'extra muscle' things, like how some people can wiggle their ears.

David Amulet said...

I like the doggy cell phone ... sadly, I actually know some people who will get this as soon as they hear about it!

-- david

Ben Heller said...

You know that Clocky thing ? Well I have visions of that contraption being used as the central character for some surreal horror movie.

A killer clock roaming the bedrooms for half conscious victims.

I'll start writing the script now...and there's a list of titles I can use.

"Son Of Clocky"
"Bride Of Clocky"
"Seed Of Clocky"
etc......

Dirk the Feeble said...

Okay, the alarm clock that runs away from you still has me laughing. What an awesome invention.

Laurie said...

It's all in the hips... and the quads ;-)

Bruce said...

BTW, I already have one of those alarm clocks that runs away. It's called my cat..

The Phoenix said...

I'm liking "Seed of Clocky" as the prototype looks like an elongated piece of moss with wheels.

Maybe they can take the same sort of concept with potato chips. If you've had more than a handful, the bag with wheels closes up and takes off.

If you happen to finally catch the bag of chips, you've at least burned some calories.

Grafs said...

I dunno about these things, but I want one of those sweeping/mopping robots for the house!

angel, jr. said...

You should create a catalogue or on-line shopping site for these very useful items!!
I'm considering purchasing some myself.

Jamie Dawn said...

Well, I received my P-mate today, and I am one very satisfied customer. My hubby walked in while I was peeing in a stand-up position, and he knew that nothing would ever be the same around here again. Even my kids are looking at me differently. I think they all fear me.
"I'm Jamie Dawn. I pee standing up, and that makes me a force to be reconed with! As God is my witness, I will never be squatting again!!"

The above comment may or may not be true.

crallspace said...

I think we'll be buying the P Mate for my wife.

Thanks Phoenix!

The Phoenix said...

Looks like the P-mate might be the IN gift this Christmas. It will revolutionize urination for females all over the globe!!!!!!!!

siren said...

Have a very Merry Christmas, Phoenix. I hope Santa brings you everything you wished for...

Jamie Dawn said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Have a wonderful holiday weekend!

delmer said...

Dad had some neighbors that could have used the P-mate.

When he was little, we'll say 60 years ago, one of the neighboring families had three girls. One day one of the girls decided she'd try to pee in a pop bottle.

She made a mess. Her dad found it. All he said was, "Which one of you girls was vain enough to think she could pee in a pop bottle?"

Big Pissy said...

OK....I would say I can't believe I;m telling you this, but we both know I'll say anything. so here goes....peeing while running: actually is going off the road, trail, whatever...behind a tree, bush, etc. you stand w/ your legs wide apart and pull the crotch of your running shorts over and just let it flow. needless to say, this involves "drip-drying", but on a "long run" 10 or more miles, you're sweating pretty bad anyway, so you don't care at that point.

Jillian said...

LOL - Yeah I think my vote goes for "Clocky" out of all of those...interesting...choices Phoenix ha ha!

Not to sure about the P-Mate, though...

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