Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Head of the Class...NOT!

I was a high school teacher for five years, and I received my fair share of bogus, stupid, funny, and downright creative answers from my students. Science can be a tough subject for a lot of kids, and I imagine that science exams might be more conducive to getting even MORE creative answers from students. Here are some actual answers turned in by high schoolers:

*Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Sounds like this kid is getting a leg-up on alcoholism.

*When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
And when you bring your report card home, you perspire.

*A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Riiiight...and a 58% is a "high" F, so it must be a gooder grade.

*The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
Obviously, your brain wasn't able to hitch onto your skull.

*To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
You'll also get screams of pure agony. Just don't burn his bible.

*The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
And for some reason, it smells like poop there.

*The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
The sun stays out of it, as the sun abhors violence.

*Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
You must've gone through the moroninate process.

*A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
And a maggot is what you use to stick your kid's drawings up on your refrigerator.

*Some people say we condescended from the apes.
And those people also say, "Would you like fries wit 'does?"

*As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.
I think it's just the cold water - it makes everything shrink.

*Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
You can tell this kid was at least half-way paying attention in class.

*Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
I'm not touching this one, as I am Catholic. You think of your own religious/political/moral joke on this one.

*Q: How is eye color etc. passed on to the next generation?
A: The jeans (not Levis).
So, Wranglers then?

*Q: [On digestion] What is the reaction between acids and antacids called?
A: Relief
No, that's the reaction of your parents when you finally move out of the house.

*Men are mammals and women are femammals.
So why don't men get mammalgrams?

And finally...

*Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein


siren said...

I think "moroninate" may be my new favorite word. I'll see how many times I can use it in a sentence at work tomorrow.

Keshi said...

***Q: How is eye color etc. passed on to the next generation?
A: The jeans (not Levis).
So, Wranglers then?

LOL I liked that one!


Kay said...

Can't...stop...laughing. When I taught, my students were often dumb but never that amusing.

Haas said...

Absolutely funny post dude, had me laughing in tears half way thru.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Loved that one :))

BuffyICS said...

I was going to quote the Wranglers one as well! Great post...just great.

Anhoni Patel said...

Ah Phoenix! Ths was so funny! And I feel so much smarter now!

I particularly enjoyed: "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."


:P fuzzbox said...

Sure you weren't teaching Stand Up Comedy 101. If so they were Head of the Class. That stuff is funny.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

First off, anyone who has been a teacher I have to say "GOOD FOR YOU!!!' It must take an infinite amount of patience to be a teacher (which is probably why I never even considered the job. Well, that and the fact that I'm just not smart enough...:)

And I kept thinking, as I read those "Oooo...that's the funniest one!" then I'd read the next one and think "No,no....that's the funniest one!"

They were ALL hilarious! :)

grrrbear said...

As I read these I kept thinking to myself "What witty comment would Howard Hessleman have said in response to this?" which made them all the more hilarious. Thanks!

Mike ( ex scientia, veritas ) said...

These are a hoot!

Free at Last! said...

"Kids say the darndest things"
I always wanted to teach,bascially because I never wanted to stop learning.
As exasperating as those inane remarks from students must be,isn't it a reflection on the school system?NO OFFENSE meant,teaching is a difficult and all to under paid proffesion.Reading skills are the most important thing a person can have.I am amazed at the mail I get from people who say they have read something I wrote,yet they have no understanding of what was really said......Shameful
HI!sorry,got carried away,just came to see how you are doing,great,humourous piece.Congrats,

BrianAlt said...

I taught Algebra to adults when I was in college. I gave a test one time. There was a couple sitting in the back. The husband was cheating off the wife. I just watched them, I didn't care. He changed his right answers to her wrong ones. She got a 75, he got a 45. I figured out that if he went with what he knew he would have gotten a 65.

Adults aren't much better.

The Phoenix said...

Thanks do say the darndest things.

Grrrbear - that depends on which of his characters you're talking about: Johnny Fever from "WKRP" or Mr. Moore on "Head of the Class."

Mr. Moore taught geniuses, so I doubt he'd get answers like these. And Johnny Fever, well, he'd be too stoned himself to comment.

I think the problem lies with both the school system and parents. Schools do very well with the very bright, and kids with problems. They pretty much ignore the kids in the middle. Parents need to make their kids more instead of using the TV as a babysitter.

cube said...

I love science humor & this stuff is a hoot. I hope you set these kids straight, though, after the HA HA moment.

Eve said...

he he he.

Frightening. Really


David Amulet said...

Well done. Based on the line in your profile, now every time I see "Albert Einstein," like from your closing line in this post, I think of Joe Theismann again. Thanks for that.

BTW, I sent a separate note to your lycos account listed in your sidebar -- please get back to me at your earliest convenience.

-- david

PDD said...

How hysterical. I'm still laughing.

Who ever said, "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives",
is absolutely brilliant. That deserves an A++ and a full scholarship from Harvard.

I'm printing this one. Got to show it to my husband. This is just too funny.

Ben Heller said...

Kids....don't you just love 'em.

Great post Phoenix

Tasa said...

Hahaha I love the one about the tides. That's great =) hehehe, I'll admit I've put in some stupid answers of my own. My most recent one was:
A Boolean Operator is a telephone operator from Boolea. (And then I drew a diagram of telephone operators, one Canadian, one American, one Boolean.)

turns out a Boolean operator is used in web searches (AND, OR, NOT)

David Amulet said...

Thanks, Phoenix, for helping me get it up today. The picture on my profile, that is.

May your teaching memories pleas eyou more than haunt you ...

-- david

The Phoenix said...

I've never been to Boolea. I hear it's very nice this time of year, since it lies just south of the a managerie lion.

The Phoenix said...

Can anyone name the four movies there on the right? (The kid with the dunce had is just a pic). They're all 80s teen movies.

loveschoolhouserock said...

Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Breakfast Club
Weird Science
16 Candles

I'm an 80's geek! Great post!

FantasticAlice said...

WOW! Leave it to you phoenix to crack me up!

Had a bourbon chicken at Vette's yet? It is my new years resolution for you.

the weirdgirl said...

Oh, these are priceless. I especially like the ones where you can tell the kid is just being a smartass (like the skeleton one). This is why I could never be a teacher, I'd give out points for creativity.

The Phoenix said...

I haven't even been to Vette's...I just saw an add for them in one of those St. Charles flyers we get. They do karaoke on Saturdays...I DEFINITELY will go there and order the bourbon chicken sandwich.

With a name like "loveschoolhouserock," you were destined to get all four correct. Way to go!

My favorite schoolhouse rock songs:
2)Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here
3)Conjunction Junction
4)I'm Just a Bill
5)Them Not So Dry Bones

Laurie said...

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.'

That one had me on the floor.

Sherri said...

You mean we don't use maggots to hang our kids drawings on the fridge????? :D

Reiki said...

Phoenix...that was hilarious! But perhaps it was the teacher that wasn't teaching, not the students not learning. ;-). Just kidding. I would imagine you'd be an amazing teacher and make science interesting and entertaining, just like on your blog.

BrianAlt said...

I'm Just a Bill is my favorite.

The Phoenix said...

You guys are funny...

I was an English teacher, so I got to teach cool stuff like "Romeo and Juliet" and "Of Mice and Men."

I was notorious for acting out guys should see me do Lenny - it's part Waterboy, part Sling Blade.

Kid Jacque said...


delmer said...

Spring had just come to central Ohio. I stepped into the garage and, based on the smell, thought "There's a dead cat in here." I knew this not because I can determine type of dead animal based on smell, but because, well, something was dead in the garage, and we'd been missing a cat.

I found him. He had magnets in his eyes which set off my gag reflex.

melly said...

Good one! LOL!
Of course, the Einstein quote at the end just wraps it up nicely :)

Jennifer said...

Makes me doubt our educational system even more!


Ben Heller said...

Molly Ringwald was my first major crush.

Is there some ointment I can take for it ?


The Phoenix said...

Best 'Breakfast Club' line:

"Such an obscene gesture from such a pristine girl."

Molly's ticked and replies, "I'm not THAT pristine."

angel, jr. said...

Where did you teach, the Comedic School of Arts?

The Phoenix said...

When I was an English teacher, I found these funny test answers in a few books. Many of them can be found all over the internet these days. I showed them to my Freshman during orientation. The ones I put up on the overhead were all grammatical mistakes and other writing blunders, such as:

"Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped."

KC said...

Phoenix, I read this post early this morning but because of computer probs at work I wasn't able to leave a comment. Just wanted to let you know that the hot coffee shooting out of my nose was not a pleasant experience. You should post warnings about drinking and reading your blog at the same time. It can be dangerous! hee-hee

Jamie Dawn said...

Those make me feel a lot better about my days in science class. I never suggested the burning of deacons, and Oxy-GIN?? Good grief!

Back when I was in geography class, the teacher pointed to the map and asked, "Can anyone tell me what country this is and the name of this river?"
My friend's hand shot up,
"That is Nigger-ia (she was meaning Nigeria, of course) and the Nigger River." She was not trying to be funny, and she was not at all racist. She was just a MORON!!!!!

Grafs said...

Hilarious...The cashiers of tomorrow!

Big Pissy said...

That was great!!! I loved them all...can't pick a favorite! LOL!

Jim said...

well, now we know where the people they interview on Street Smart got their educations, I want my tax money back --

best that I ever got when teaching at a private college while I was in college: "Mary Magdalene died for our sins."

ziggystardust73 said...

Phoenix, I may just have to link you... every post I read makes me laugh. That OK with you?

The Phoenix said...

Sure, no away.

Mojotek said...

Bwahahahaha! All those are classic! I'm so glad you held on to them!

ObilonKenobi said...

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Pure Genius.

Pixie said...

LMAO , some of those quotes are so funny , I couldnt be a teacher, I havent the patience at all.

Laura:) said...

Lol, so you used to teach! Awesome! Did I tell you I love your blog yet, cause I do:)

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