Monday, February 13, 2006

The Abduction of Bob

One of the most profound questions mankind has been asking is, “Are we alone?” There are people that believe not only are we not alone, but testify to have been in the presence of beings from another world.

I had the opportunity to meet and interview such a person. I spent two days talking with him and having “Bob” show me physical evidence left behind from his encounter. I am not allowed to divulge his true identity, nor his residence. He requested I keep them secret. Bob lives in a rural small town and would rather his neighbors not know his story. Bob originally was a skeptic and never believed in “that UFO crap.” But one night, while driving back from a late night game of cards, his life changed forever.

For the first 60 minutes, he talked about himself and eventually got comfortable enough to tell me his story. I will begin with the initial sighting for length’s sake. Here is the remainder of the interview, transcribed from an audio tape:

Phoenix: So you were driving back from your friend’s house?

Bob: That’s right. We had played Texas Hold ‘Em for a few hours, and I guess it was around 1:30 that morning. I wasn’t in any hurry, knowing my wife was goin’ to kick my ass once she found out I lost the money for her hair appointment to bleach her roots.

Phoenix: Where there any other cars out?

Bob: Nope, not a-one. I had to turn on my brights to see. Gotta be careful. Lots of cows get out and you don’t wanna hit ‘em. I saw something out of the corner of my eye…I thought it was a low flying aero-plane or somethin’. I decided to stop, since not many planes fly over our town.

Phoenix: Did it make a sound?

Bob: My truck’s motor is pretty loud, so I didn’t hear nothin’ from it. I thought it was a plane, until I got a real good look at it. It was shaped like a grilled cheese sandwich, sliced in half.

Phoenix: Cut in half how?

Bob: What do you mean how? Cut in half. Right down the middle.

Phoenix: (I drew a diagram of a grilled cheese sandwich, and showed him the two ways you could cut it in half. You could cut it directly in the middle, resulting in two rectangular halves, or you could do it diagonally).

Bob: Like that (pointing to the diagonal ones).

Phoenix: It was triangular. Like a triangle. (Bob's actual drawing is pictured to the right).

Bob: Right, like a triangle. Underneath were these four of five bright lights, and where the cheese would be were long strips of white lights too. It didn’t make no sound at all. My motor died, and I tried to start it up. I didn’t want anythin’ to do with this flyin’ grilled cheese. I wanted to get the hell outta there. But my truck wouldn’t start.

Phoenix: What was the object doing while you tried to start your car?

Bob: It started to sway back and forth…and soon it was floatin’ directly over me. I looked up and saw that the belly of this thing was a dark metal just like the rest of it. And suddenly, BLAM…it hit me.

Phoenix: The grilled cheese?

Bob: No, this blue beam came out from the ship. It went through the windshield and hit me. I couldn’t move, and I smelled somethin’ weird.

Phoenix: What did you smell?

Bob: It smelled like rotten bananas. But it could’ve been me. I had ate three of them at my friend’s house.

Phoenix: Then what happened?

Bob: I blacked out…and I woke up to find myself nekkid up against the wall.

Phoenix: Did you have any idea where you were?

Bob: I can’t explain how I knew…but I knew I was flyin.’ I knew I was inside that ship and we was flyin.’

Phoenix: Can you describe the room you were in?

Bob: It was dark gray, no furniture or nothin.’ The walls were damn cold. My ass was freezin’ up against the metal. The room itself was pretty chilly. There were no lights, but I could still see.

Phoenix: What was going through your mind at that point?

Bob: What the hell do you think? I wanted to get outta there pronto! I couldn’t move. I wasn’t handcuffed or nothin’, though. I have no idea how they got my body to stick up on the wall like Velcro. I was scared, that’s for sure, but I got even more scared when “The Doctor” showed up.

Phoenix: Describe “The Doctor.”

Bob: His head was egg shaped, and he had these big bug eyes – black as night. They looked just like them pictures of aliens that you see on the TV. No nose, little slit for a mouth. No ears. His skin was light brown. His body was really thin. He stood maybe six feet tall. Long gangly arms and legs.

Phoenix: Why do you call him “The Doctor?”

Bob: That’s what he called himself.

Phoenix: So he spoke to you?

Bob: No. He told me inside my head.

Phoenix: You mean telepathy?

Bob: Yeah, if that’s what you call talkin’ without speakin.’ He told me not to be afraid. He just wanted to do some experiments and stuff on me. His job was to learn more about humans. He told me he’s worked on at least a thousand people, and that it would all be over soon.

Phoenix: Did that make you feel any better?

Bob: Hell no. I was really scared. And suddenly, the wall became the floor…and I was like laying on a table. It was weird. Like the room changed or somethin.’ There was a bright light from the ceiling, blindin’ me. So I turned away, and I saw three or four more of them aliens, but they were shorter, smaller. They looked like little kids. One of them started playin’ with my…you know…

Phoenix: With what?

Bob: He was playing with my…um…thing.

Phoenix: The little alien was playing with your penis?

Bob: Yeah. Flickin’ it, pullin’ it. He thought it was funny.

Phoenix: Funny?

Bob: He didn’t talk neither, but I could read his mind. He thought it was funny lookin.’ I felt embarrassed. The room was real cold, and I told him with my mind that I’m not normally that shriveled up.

Phoenix: Good grief.

Part Two, The Abduction of Bob: Bob is probed by the aliens (and by probed, I don't mean he gets interrogated).


sam said...

Nice read, Phoenix! Glad your hiatus is over! Just don't poke too much fun at those of us who have genuinely seen flying grilled cheese. ;)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Flickin'? Pullin' Probing???

Now that's my kind of story! ;)

The Phoenix said...

Thanks's nice to be back. Maybe you should start a flying grilled cheese support group.

I'm glad you like that sort of stuff, your highness. The actual probing will be in part won't want to miss that.

Mojotek said...

Glad you're back! I like the new blog look too!

Now, was the grilled cheese cooked on a griddle or a frying pan? Cause my mama did it both ways...

angel, jr. said...

I'm so glad you are back!!!
So he got his penis flicked huh? I wonder if Skinemax could do something with that story line.

The Phoenix said...

Thanks Mojo. I should've asked Bob about the sandwich...damnit! I'll get it right next time.

Angel, I trust Skinemax's creativity. They will probably be able to do more with Bob's probing, however.

Sherri said...

Glad to see you're back! Love this post, can't wait to see part 2. So, is Bob seemingly normal or has this incident 'changed' him?

KC said...

How did you meet Bob? Were you referred to him? He to you? Do you know other abductees? Will we get their stories also?

I'm very glad you're back.

Can't wait for part 2.

The Phoenix said...

Sherri and Kim C, great questions...I will answer them for sure. Part 2 will continue Bob's story. Part 3 will be my summation with some real pics of my evidence.

BrianAlt said...

I'm here on the edge of my seat waiting for Part 2!

I just can't wait!

Meagan said...

What a fabulous Phoenix-like return post! I missed you and your intriguing stories.

love meagan

The Phoenix said...

I'm glad you guys are intrigued by my interview. I also added a neat little poll in the sidebar. I'm interested to see what others believe.

siren said...

I love the new look. I'm a little embarassed that you're interviewing members of my family, though.

at the Lake said...

Phoenix is back. If this really is Phoenix...

Karen said...

Thanks for stoppin' by my blog, Phoenix!

The closest I got to believing in aliens is ET!! If that's how they act, BRING 'EM ON! :)

Denny Shane said...

I am so glad we've crossed paths. This has been the very first abduction case in which the abductee has claimed he was fondled and then kinda laughed at. He should have asked to see "the doctor's"... lol

Jamie Dawn said...

I like your new blog look.
I'm wondering why aliens seek out dumb people to abduct? That has always intrigued me. I wish they would adbuct the equivalent of Bill Gates or Condi Rice or John Travolta.

Bob was trying to telepathically convey "shrinkage."

The Phoenix said...

Thanks everybody!

Yes, it really is me...I think. I'm wearing my anti-alien mind control cap, so I think I'm safe.

I think aliens have already kidnapped Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Actually, Tom Cruise IS an alien.

Sar said...

So glad you're back, Phoenix! Cool new look too.

Did I ever tell you what an X-Files junkie I was back in the day? This is all good. Too funny with the grilled cheese though.

I'll answer your poll if you'll answer mine! :)

delmer said...

A friend of mine named George C. was abducted and had the same experience with getting his 'thing' tugged at.

As it would happen, another alien lives in his apartment building and George and his friend, Jerry, were talking with the alien. The conversation went something like this:

G: So, alien. You guys know about shrinkage. Right.

A: What?

J: You know. Shrinkage. When it's cold out or when a man comes in out of a pool ... and there's shrinkage.

A: What?

G: Ahhhhhhh!

Whattayawant? I'm no Larry David.

Welcome back Phoenix.

Pixie said...

Gald you are back P

LOL @ I told him with my mind that I’m not normally that shriveled up.

I would rather not think about grilled cheese though , you know funny things happen to mine!

grrrbear said...

Is this the same "Bob" from the Enzyte commercials?

No wonder he needed a "big, new spring of confidence; a generous swelling of pride"...

The Phoenix said...

I wasn't a fan of X-files, but I always watch it when I catch in on TV.
I am a huge Seinfeld fan, though. I do remember that episode where George has to deal with his own shrinkage dilema.

I'm thinking Viagra, Cialis, or Enzyte won't help you when an alien is molesting your privates. Besides...I'd WANT to shrink as much as possible in that situation.

Jim said...

I understand. The aliens want us to cut our grilled cheese sandwiches on the diagonal rather than in half. Will Part 2 be about their preferences in condiments? :)

welcome back!!!

Laurie said...

(Laurie is doing a happy dance that Phoenix is back!!!)

What a great post.. can't wait to read part 2!

I saw your poll in the sidebar, and we humans would be pretty arrogant to think that we are the only "intelligent" life in the entire infinite universe. If other beings are coming to visit our planet, you know that they are far more advanced than we are..


:P fuzzbox said...

Hell it did look funny. But that wasn't me tugging. I swear.

Grafs said...

I'm glad you're back! Ummmm I really hope this guy is off his rocker. I don't WANT to be probed at any time in my life.

Rocky said...

I find it funny that he tried to tell Aliens about "shrinkage" with his mind.

Josh said...

Everyone, please pay attention. This is not really Phoenix. He has been abducted and taken to Melmac. This is his doubleganger, please pay him no attention. :)

Seriously though, is this the same Bob as in Microsoft Bob?

The Phoenix said...

It really is great being back. I missed reading everyone's blogs while I was gone.

Melmac? Great ALF reference. I loved that show. I remember the planet's motto was, "Are you going to finish that sandwich."

I must be a Melmacian to know that, of course.

Laura:) said...

I don't know, I hear eating bad bananas can mess with your mind.

Haas said...

Welcome Back Phoenix :)
Nice new look for the site...
Cant wait for part 2 (even though it doesnt sound like its going to make me feel good :P )

LostInTX said...

Glad to see you made a return with a bang! Bob... hmmm. I wonder what kind of drugs he's been using lately? I like the bad bananas thing, maybe that's true too. I'm more than a little skeptical of someone who claims an alien flicked his penis.

Keep us informed.

Metal Mark said...

Oh, creepy. Maybe I will get myself to relax by getting something to eat. I'll just pop into the kitchen and make a grilled cheese sandwich.....

Ben Heller said...

Welcome back from exile phoenix.

Who cut the cheese hehe.

I know, that is so old.

Jamie Dawn said...

Happy Valentine's Day!
It's the day for LOVE & CHOCOLATE!

kim said...

Ooooh.... good post. The thing that has always gotten me about these kinds of stories is the alien fascination with the penis and/or anal probes. Maybe I'm flattering humanity too much but I like to think that there's some complexity to the human psyche - WHY we do the things we do. And yet, the penis is what interests these smarter aliens? Wha? I can't wait to read the further installments!

As for the survey, voted, and as they say in "Contact," if it's just us, the universe seems like an awful waste of space.

The Phoenix said...

Eating too many bananas will actually make your eyes begin to blink like crazy. It's from the potassium overload or something. I know, because I've done it...don't ask.

I've decided to not degrade Valentine's Day by posting Part 2 today...I just talking about anal probes would spoil it.

puremood said...

Welcome back!! Looks like you made a great comeback, too.

I dont' think anal probes would ruin Valentine's.. LOL

oh and... Happy Valentine's Day to you... about it botherin' you 15 years later... I'm not sure. Perhaps it was the terms you split over. Maybe it'll just vanish fromy our mind eventually. :/ Sorry.

Jim said...

I bet Ben cuts the crust off of his cheese and other sandwiches, it would be soooooooooo British! :)

Phoenix -- E.T. sent you a Valentine

Kid Jacque said...

Can't wait to read the second part!! HA HA HA HA!

The Phoenix said...

Happy Valentine's Day...blah blah blah blah blah.

I just hope E.T. doesn't have plans to stick any Peanut Butter Cups into any of my orifices.

I like the crust of my's the best part. It also contains the most fiber.

Jenn said...

Holy hot template!

I miss it here. I shall return full force soon!


Jillian said... Phoenix. Yeah really nice read. Kind of creeps me out because he talks JUST like most of MY rural town that I am currently visiting (my parents...still live here...)

Interesting story - can't wait for part two!

ObilonKenobi said...

Is this the part where we post out real life Alien Abduction stories???

sarah saad said... شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة شركة نقل عفش بجدة

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