Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Abudction of Bob, Part II

This is the continuation of my interview with Bob, a real-life alien abductee. The first part of his story is posted below, in case you missed it. He was telling me how he was laying on a table, a little being then begins to molest his private parts, and the tall alien called "The Doctor" is preparing to examine him...

Bob: “The Doctor” takes out this long tool, with a glowin’ ball at the end of it. He tells me to relax.

Phoenix: Were you relaxed?

Bob: Hell no! Some little alien is playin’ with my shrunk John, and now he’s gonna stick that glowin’ ball thing up my ass.

Phoenix: How did you know he was going to do that?

Bob: Because them little aliens moved me onto my stomach. I didn’t think that little glowin’ ball was gonna massage my sore back or somethin’ like that. I wanted to jump up and run, but I couldn’t. That’s when I started to scream.

Phoenix: How did they react to your screaming?

Bob: They didn’t care. “The Doctor” shoves that ball thing up my ass, and man…it’s really hot. I could feel my ass hairs being burnt off. And this weird warmin’ sensation starts fillin’ up my crotch.

Phoenix: Dear God, maybe I don’t want to hear this.

Bob: So they’re done with that, flip me back over. And I’m alone in the room.

Phoenix: So you’re alone, on the table still…

Bob: Right. My ass hurts, my crotch is on fire. But I still can’t move. I closed my eyes, tryin’ to move my legs. It was no use. When I opened my eyes, this hot blond chick is standin’ over me.

Phoenix: A hot chick?

Bob: She was damn hot, like Pamela Anderson. She’s upside down to me, but I know she was good lookin.’ At that instant, I could finally move my body.

Phoenix: So you jumped up and ran?

Bob: No way. This lady was nekkid! She didn’t talk neither, but I could hear her in my head tellin’ me I was cute and that she wanted me. The burnin’ in my crotch was still there, but I wasn’t shriveled no more. In fact, I was ready to go.

Phoenix: Ready to go? As in Viagra ready to go?

Bob: Hell yes. So she gets on the table, and I…

Phoenix: Bob, you really don’t have to tell me everything here.

Bob: Oh…no problem. I just did what any hot-blooded American man would do. And she seemed really happy afterwards.

Phoenix: That’s good to hear.

Bob: No, it wasn’t good at all.

Phoenix: What do you mean?

Bob: Suddenly, she’s not Pamela Anderson anymore. She’s an alien. After I realized I had just had sex with a damn alien, I almost threw up. In fact I did a little, but swallowed it. I started to back away.

Phoenix: What did the alien do?

Bob: She pointed to her belly. I knew right away what she meant.

Phoenix: She? How do you know she’s a she?

Bob: Because she was tellin’ me that she was knocked up. Only fe-males have babies.

Phoenix: Maybe aliens are both male and female. Maybe men have babies on their world. Many UFO-ologists believe aliens are asexual…maybe hermaphrodites.

Bob: A what-o-dite? You think aliens are Jewish?

Phoenix: You know, just forget I mentioned anything about it. It’s ok. (Pause) Then what happened?

Bob: I started to run, but I lost control of my body and passed out. Next thing I know I’m back in my truck, clothes on and everything.

Phoenix: I’m glad you’re safe now.

Bob: (Wipes his brow) Man, I thought the alien was Pamela Anderson. I feel sick just thinking about it. And that thing they shoved up my ass, what was that thing? The whole thing is just plain embarassin’ and shameful.

Phoenix: It’s ok. How could you have known? You were tricked. It’s not your fault.

Bob: I’m confused. Thing is, it was the best sex in my life!

Phoenix: The anal probe or the alien-Pamela Anderson encounter? (Bob pauses to think). You know Bob, on second thought, please don’t answer that.

Bob: I need a drink. I’m not feelin’ so hot.

Phoenix: I do understand why you want to keep your identity a secret, though. The world will appreciate what you’ve gone through when they learn about your experience. I’m honored to tell your story, and I promise to protect your privacy.

Bob: Yeah, yeah, sure. I’m feelin’ faint, man. (Gets up and starts opening kitchen drawers). I know I left the Wild Turkey next to the shotgun shells here.

Phoenix: I’m good here, I think I got all that I need. It’s a fascinating story and the people deserve the truth, you know. Thanks Bob, the truth-seekers out there thank you too.

Part Three, The Abduction of Bob: The astonishing evidence (including my own UFO sighting and run-in with real the real Men in Black)


Rocky said...

I really enjoyed your post, particularly when you tried messing with Bob's head on the sex of the alien he "encountered."
Would being ass-raped with a glowing alien sex toy be considered a close encounter of the fourth kind? Fifth? I'm just curious to know if they'll ever have a movie about Bob's night to remember starring Richard Dreyfus.

Haas said...

Damn these aliens are horny... lol

she seemed really happy afterwards.
ROTFL like he would tell if it went the other way

So was this a bad or a good experience for Bob... Anal probing and Gr8 sex... even without the sex Bob sure seemed to have enjoyed himself :))

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...


You're not telling me you found the glowing anal probe, are you???


The Phoenix said...

Rocky, Thanks...I would say being raped by aliens is close encounter of the WORST kind.

Haas, What's up with aliens? They are sexual predators. And why don't they abduct their human counterparts?

Your Highness, You can actually order your very own anal probe right here on Earth. Google "anal probe"...I dare you!

Mojotek said...

I'm betting the 'evidence' is a picture of Bob's ass showing "the obvious trauma associated with being anally probed". :)

delmer said...

Interesting. I don't know what to think.

Maybe the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are abducted all the time but are advised by their attorneys to keep quiet.

Anal probe ... sex with an alien ... Wild Turkey next to the shotgun shells. I don't know.

I worked with a woman (and this isn't like the "George C" comment I left earlier) who claimed to have been abducted from Point A and deposited to Point B. She also collected crystals and could feel the power flowing through them -- the ones from Atlantis were the best.

Maybe she was very spiritual ... maybe sorta nutty.

angel, jr. said...

So aliens are sexual beings? I wonder if they also masturbate.

angel, jr. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Sherri said...

Can't wait to see the evidence!

I hate to say it, but this guy really seems like a red neck.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ummm...no googling "anal probes" here at work. It's in the rules and procedures.

I'm pretty sure I read that in the employee handbook....Chapter 69, I think....lemme go check....


KC said...

Somewhere out there on another planet are humans from Earth anally probing poor skinny egg-shaped-head native beings. Why is the government keeping this truth from us? Phoenix, I encourage you to expose this scandal! Stop Earth beings torturing other beings now!

The Phoenix said...

Mojo, I didn't take pictures of Bob's ass, but I did take a picture of him (disguising his face a little bit). You'll see it in Part 3.

Delmer, crystals from Atlantis are rare indeed!

Angel and Stacy, masterbation, anal probes, 69...dear Lord what's going on here!

Sherri, he's a redneck, but a nice one.

Karen said...

i'm too anal-retentive to figure this out {laughing hysterically}... that's why i need HELP!

:P fuzzbox said...

The burning sensation might have been the effect of an alien version of K-Y Warming Sensation used on the alien probe. Or at least for Bob's sake I hope they used some kind of lube.

Denny Shane said...

poor, poor Bob, I could feel his anguish as I read about his tribulations, etc. I was on the edge of my seat... can't weait for Part 3. Thanks for bringing us this plight.

Ann Alsex said...

It looks like poor Bob got it coming and going :D

puremood said...


as long as it was good does it matter if it was a alien?

The Phoenix said...

KC, I will try my best.

Karen, "anal retentive." I still don't get how they came up with that term.

Denny, Ann, PM, Yeah - Poor Bob. But at least he says it was the best sex he's ever had. Which part, I'm still not sure. I sure hope his wife doesn't read my blog.

Dirk the Feeble said...


I wish I could be abducted.

WonderGirl said...

Noo-no-no. This cannot be an actual interview you had!! I died laughing. Literally. They had to shock me back to life. *wiping tears from eyes

Jamie Dawn said...

You promised to protect his privacy, but you did not promise to protect his privates.
He needs reassurance that his privates are safe in your hands. That is the only way he'll stop drinking. I think he's haunted by what happened and fearful that it may happen again. Poor Bob.

Jennifer said...

I always find it interesting that most (actually all that I have read) abudction stories involve sex and some sort of penetration. Its a common theme. Freud would have a field day.

Also, you'd think that after "thousands" of anal probes the aliens would have found out what they wanted to know by now eh?

They're smart enough to travel millions of miles, mess with peoples brains....but they can't figure out a little gross anatomy?

The Phoenix said...

Armaedes, They say if you concentrate long enough, send a message into space with your mind - they will come and get you.

Jamie Dawn, The man is forever changed. I was serious about the counseling thing.

Wondergirl, I will have interesting pictures and such for part 3. I'll focus on my conclusions and show you some pics I took.

Jennifer, Maybe aliens are just a bunch of sickos. Intergalactic molesters.

BrianAlt said...

At least it had a "happy ending".

phred said...

This is not the first anal probe story I`ve heard.
Evidently the aliens are fascinated with the human anus.
Bob`s poor human/alien offspring will probably be subjected to numerous anal probes as he is studied and probed back on their home planet.

mrshife said...

Shit. When I got abducted all I got was a firm handshake and a promise of a phone call that still hasn't materialized. Bob is one lucky fellow.

Grafs said...

Again...I hope none of this is true!

Doug said...

I think this is my first time here. Well done.

That was a story that needed to be told.

Jim said...

so far, Bob's got a good copyright infringement suit against Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana :)

Ben Heller said...

Have you got the Movie rights for this Phoenix ?

" Me and Bob On The Job"

DaBich said...

Hi Phoenix! Can't wait for the evidence and pics!

The Phoenix said...

Brianalt and phred, it's somewhat of a happy ending. He's safe now, but who knows what his "child" will have to endure. Bob is pretty messed up too.

Mr.Shife, You were the lucky one, I think.

Grafs, part 3 will hopefully convince you that Bob's story needs to be at the very least carefully examined.

Doug, Jamie Dawn sent you over here once. Thanks for coming. And again, I swear your pic is of my dog.

Jim, Good one! Larry McMurty and Dianna Ossana are the ones responsible for "Brokeback Mountain" for those who don't know. McMurty is well known for his westerns, but he has other good novels too like "Terms of Endearment."

Ben, I wouldn't want to profit from Bob's gruesome experience...ok, I would.

dabich, Don't worry, dapost is coming tonight.

ozymandiaz said...

All I've got to say on this one is I'm glad that if aliens are breeding with humans to make a master race or some shit to take over Earth that they are choosing specemins like "Bob" to procreate with. We will be attacked by a bunch af alien 'tards...

Fated said...

haha, can't wait for part three!!

cube said...

Strange post.

Who cares how they came up with the term 'anal retentive'. The real question is, is there a hyphen between anal and retentive ;-)

Karen said...

You Might Be Anal Retentive If...

...you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
...you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric.
...you require no less than 200 threads per inch on your sheets...
...and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
...you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
...you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use...
...and they're all facing the front.
...you alphabetize your spices.
...you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme."
...you collect the little postcards in magazine issues for recycling.
...all your books, CDs, and movies have to be in alphabetical order.
...you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle.
...you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or grammatically correct.
...every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker...
...and you correct the original message.
...you actually bothered trying to convince someone that the 3rd millennium began on Jan 1, 2001.

Kid Jacque said...

Funny post!

I'm anxious to hear about your own encounter as I have experienced something myself and wouldn't mind comparing notes....

Pixie said...

LMAO @ A what-o-dite? You think aliens are Jewish?

Oh my I would not have been ablke to keep a straight face, i dont know how you did it P

Karen said...

what i'm really tryin' to say is i'm too *spacey* when it comes to aliens because anal retentive doesn't apply...

...{tryin' very hard to get out of hole she's dug herself into}

DaBich said...

ROFL Karen~you're diggin deeper LOL

The Phoenix said...

Oz, that's too funny. You made me snort.

Fated, stay tuned. I just finished transfering my pictures from my camera to the 'puter.

Cube, Karen, dabich, see how the term "anal retentive" can open a whole new can of worms? Yuck - that sounded wrong.

Day Dreamer, we need to talk for sure. You have a sighting while inline skating those 2,000 miles you do?

Laura:) said...

Wow, sounds like fun! I wonder what the women get.

Ovedya said...

Sounds to me like the guy was "abducted" by tranvestite Pamela Anderson impersonators (Of course, I suppose "transvestite" would have to be implied there.)

FantasticAlice said...

You seriously qare one squirrely guy Mr. Phoenix, but you keep us amused!

Jay said...

Oh Bob, that's rough.
Thanks for including the photos though. They really helped.

the weirdgirl said...

I'm anxiously awaiting your final interview!

Sar said...

I knew that Pamela Anderson couldn't be trusted!

I love you deadpan humor, Phoenix.

Sar said...

(Oooh I was just your 47th comment! Yes, I know I'm a freak)

phred said...

I will never be able to stand out in a wheat field alone again.

Jillian said...

Wow very nice Phoenix - Yeah I'll be waiting for your next post. Actually, I'm going to go and read it right now!! :-)

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