Wednesday, February 22, 2006

"Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail, Leaving Behind A Blood-Soaked Trail"

There has been speculation in the scientific community that Saddam Hussein had been experimenting with "alternative" Weapons of Mass Destruction prior to the war. When we invaded Iraq, our forces were naturally searching for the standard types of such weapons such as SCUD missiles, mustard gas, anthrax labs, etc.

But Saddam was smarter than we thought, and his henchmen had created a new weapon against those whom stood in his way: genetically engineered killer rabbits. Iraqi madmen created a whole new species of bunnies - bunnies with big teeth, the ability to leap great distances, and bunnies with a thirst for blood. You bend over to pet a furry, cute little cotton tail. And the next thing you know, Thumper flashes its long razor teeth and clamps down on your jugular!

To quote Tim The Enchanter from Monty Python's Holy Grail, such a rabbit would be "the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"

Run away...run away indeed.

Is it possible after the collapse of Saddam's stronghold on Iraq that some of these killer bunnies might have escaped? Could these killer rabbits be roaming the Middle East or even the forests of Europe?

How about Norway?

It's reported such a bunny recently attacked a dogsled team in Norway. Wenche Offerdal, a well-known dogsled driver witnessed firsthand the visciousness of this wild beast. She told the Norwegian newspaper Nordlys that she and her team of huskies met the "aggressive" bunny in Troms County.

Offerdal said, "It was sitting 10 metres from the trail and I figured it would run off, and even that the dogs would go after it," Offerdal said. "I was wrong."

Instead, the fearless bunny ran straight for the dogsled team, and leapt right into the middle of the dogs. "It was an absurd situation," Offerdal told Nordlys. "The dogs were completely perplexed. The hare stared at them and they stared back, like they were all frozen." This monstrous rabbit was facing off against 13 sled pulling dogs surrounding it!

Suddenly the wascally wabbit jumped out of the ring of huskies, actually hitting a few of the dogs on their noses with its paws while airborn. Sounds like this bunny had acquired Ninja-like skills as well.

"It was an enormous leap, the hare landed outside the ring of dogs and ran off into the woods," Offerdal said.

Hopefully, these powerful and deadly bunnies borne from a crazed dictator don't make their way to America. The fear is how fast rabbits procreate, and we could have an entire colony of blood-thirsty rabbits on our hands. If so, we have no other choice but to call upon the original Rabbit Exterminator to rid the world of these Hop-Along-Freaks-of-Nature:



"Get the wabbit...get the wabbit...get the wabbit...get-the-wabbit"

55 comments:

siren said...

Woohoo! I'm first.

Perhaps it wasn't a small bunny that attacked the sled dogs...it could have been a miniature yeti.

Karen said...

of course, i knew the bushies would say they finally found the wmd...wabbits!

I FEEL SO MUCH SAFER NOW!!

Jamie Dawn said...

First, living headless chickens, and now, WMD Bunnies. Your site never ceases to amaze and delight.
I have somewhat large front teeth, so I can relate to bunny rabbits. I think these "blood-thirsty" bunnies are just misunderestimated. You even reported that they just whacked those fearsome doggies on their noses. That doesn't sound very blood-thirsty to me.
We big toothed species have to stick up for each other.

Keshi said...

Then Easter would no longer be enjoyable :)

Keshi.

kim said...

WOW. Cool! Killer rabbits and today I saw this thing about chicken with teeth.

the weirdgirl said...

Man, and I thought all those animals were cute! Headless chickens, vicious bunnies... I'm staying inside.

PDD said...

It cuts down on cost.

I guess the only thing they could afford.

Laura:) said...

Lol, that would be awesome!

It really would be fun to hunt them down and mount them up on your wall.

LBseahag said...

You totally need a paypal account so you can start charging for tuition...

My cats have toy mouses that are blobs covered with rabbit fur...wonder if they're flammable...

David Amulet said...

Phoneix: There's no need to be anti-Semitic in your posts. I'm sur emany Jews are offended now by all your talk about killer rabbis.

(Oh wait, perhaps I read that wrong ...)

-- david

Curare_Z said...

Phoenix - Long time lurker, first time poster.

Don't worry, we've been on to this killer rabbit thing for over a year. See here for our first tests on poisonous carrots in 2005.

The Phoenix said...

siren, That thought crossed my mind as well. It could be a midget abonimable snowman.

karen, Well - they found them but lost them as well. I'm afraid they're migrating West.

jamie dawn, I don't know - the bunny seemed pretty aggressive to me.

keshi, just make sure your Easter Bunny doesn't have bloody fangs.

kim, thanks for the link. I will check it out.

WG, also mutant chickens with crocodile teeth. Check out kim's link.

Psychic, they'd make bombs out of rocks if they could.

Laura, you're one brave soul.

L.B., You know, that's a great idea. You should train your household pets to attack rabbits. A good defense is a good offense.

David, Killer Rabbis is for another post, my friend.

curare z, Thanks for making yourself known! I knew that Gateway Gourmet was a front for some secret government project. How about lethal cabbage?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I hear they taste just like chicken. :)

BrianAlt said...

Probably some kind of mental illness.

David, any relation to Emily Littela?

DaBich said...

Oh Lord, now I'm worried about the energizer bunny!

ozymandiaz said...

Unknown to most people, Saddam purchased the Bunny Genetic Alteration Program (or Bunny GAP) from the former Soviet Union in the early eighties. The Soviets gave up on the program after a well publicized failure when they attempted to assasinate then President Carter in the late seventies. I don't know if you recall but while on a fishing trip during a vacation, Carter had to beat a rabbit to death with an oar when the vicious creature attacked him on his boat. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEND. If you don't believe me, look it up. Like you say "science is wierder than fiction"

KC said...

Cuuuuute bunny. Sweet bunny. C'mere bunny! Let me pet you. Ahhhh! Shit! What the hell? Why'd you have to go and bite my nose?

Do bunnies carry rabies?

The Phoenix said...

Stacy, I've never eaten rabbit...many here in Missouri do, however.

Brianalt, Maybe it's drain bramage.

dabich, I think he's safe. For the time being.

Ozy, I remember that. It sounds like the Bunny GAP program was responsible for that assassin rabbit. Or maybe the bunny smelled peanuts on Prez Carter.

:P fuzzbox said...

There was a b movie horror film with giant mutant bunny rabbits. I believe the title was 'Them'. It probably gave Saddam the idea. We unwittingly gave inspiration to the crazed once again.

The Phoenix said...

Bunnies CAN carry rabies.

"Run away...run away!"

Ben Heller said...

It's all part of this latest conspiracy theory to get Cheney out of the shite.

Saddam breeds killer rabbits, sends them to America. Cheney and pals go hunting quail and they confront a group of killer rabbits. A struggle ensues, a gun goes off and the conspiracy is complete.
It was all Saddam's fault !

Metal Mark said...

First headless chickens and now killer bunnies, where does the horror end?

angel, jr. said...

I may have been your 30,000th hit, but I'm never the first to comment--my next goal.
I wonder if we can defend ourselves by genetically altering the groundhog.

The Phoenix said...

Ben, Cheney vs. killer rabbits = my money is on the rabbits.

Metal Mark, I don't know. Maybe with gerbils?

Angel, I really think you have a thing against groundhogs.

Sar said...

No wonder rabbits feet are considered so lucky.

Hey Phoenix, I hope you've got some virtual vacation days left - my place Friday!

Sherri said...

Hmmmmm..... does this mean they'll be adding bunnies to the list of dangerous breed animals?

I almost lost my homeowners insurance because our agent was doing a drive by evaluation of our property and happened to see my dog. Rotweiler is on the list of dangerous breed animals, they can void your homeowners without question just by owning an animal on the list. Because he isn't akc registered, they couldn't prove he wasn't a mutt, thank God for me. Otherwise, either no animal or no insurance.

Laurie said...

Pass the Hasenpfeffer!!

Denny Shane said...

I think it's too late. I think they're already here... at least in Georgia... wasn't ex-Pres. Jimmy Carter attacked by a rabbit one time?

Dirk the Feeble said...

I think that if I were a dog that just got my ass kicked by rabbits, I would probably hang myself from the nearest snow sled harness.

kyknoord said...

Looks like we're going to have to be vewwy, vewwy quiet.

TNChick said...

I love bunnies... I use to have a bunch of then when I was a child...

It isn't the size that matters, is it?

hehe

Mojotek said...

Heard about this on 'Bob & Tom' yesterday morning... which was after you posted about it.

I think radio stations need to find another way to deliver weird news stories, especially since they get all of their info from web sites that post about them right after they happen. (Like this one)

delmer said...

I remember the rabbit going after Carter.

The movie about rabbits was the 1972, "Night of the Lepus."

"Them" was about giant ants.

(I'm not nitpicking ... just helping ... and, again, showing my age.)

The Phoenix said...

Sar, good luck getting a foot from these monstrous rabbits.

Sherri, It's a numbers game. Too many dog bite claims by certain breeds over the years creates a statistical pattern. An insurance company is like the House in Vegas - and the House never loses.

Laurie, I've never eaten German food that I actually liked. And I'd probably not like German rabbit stew either.

Denny, Yup - check out Ozymandiaz's comment about that.

Armedes, The sled driver said the rabbit actually faced off against the Alpha male husky.

Kynoord, Welcome back. I thought you forgot your way back here!

TN Chick, I don't know about the size thing. You'd have to survey all the ladies.

Mojotek, Many of us get our info. from the same RSS feeds and such. So it's all public domain. That would be really cool to get credit, though.

Ranger Tom said...

Great post! Will definately be back to read more... Especially the alien abduction stuff. I think I met that guy once...

Jillian said...

LOL Phoenix - woah it looks like I have some catching up to do with your blog! I haven't been reading it for the past week - It's good to see you back in the blogging world again.

By the 35 comments you received, I can tell that many people missed you, too! :-)

Alaskan Malamutes said...

Interesting... I am still looking for a great alaskan malamute breeders do you know of directory or something?

Darksky Kennels said...

Lol, but life can be a bit like that. BTW did you see my new pup from Darksky?
Nancy

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