Monday, May 15, 2006

Move over X-Men. It's Scientologists to the Rescue!

Up in the sky...
It's a bird!

It's a plane!

Tom Cruise with super powers?

Awhile ago, I did a post on Scientology. It can be found HERE. Many will think I'm just picking on the religion of Scientology again, but geez...they make it just too easy. Personally, they're begging for it. And as always, The Phoenix will deliver.

Scientology uses a series of sessions in order to help people overcome their emotional/psychological problems. And as I mentioned, if you got the cash, you can take all the classes necessary in order to get to higher levels. Apparently, Scientology is about to unleash a bunch of mutants onto the rest of the world, and no - it's not the X-Men either.

Several Scientologists that have been training in the art of "Super Power."

What is Super Power?

Based on the teachings of Ron L. Hubbard, they have trained themselves to have a hightened sense of sight, taste, hearing, smell, and touch...and of course intuition. (Xenu would've killed for these powers).

Matt Feshbach, a Florida millionare Scientologist, has revealed that he has Super Powers. After training in Los Angeles, and donating millions to the Super Power building fund, Feshbach says not only does he have incredible and uncanny powers, but he's already saved one life with them.

At the LAX airport, some little boy ran out into the middle of the street. By using his newly acquired Super Powers, he perceived that a truck was on a collision course with the hyperactive child. Feshbach yelled at the boy, and was less than an inch away from being struck by the speeding vehicle. He attributes his higher senses, since no one else at the crosswalk knew about the oncoming truck.

So how does one train to get such powers?

The training course uses machines and other technologies to exerceise its memebers' perception abilities. Two of the machines have been identified as being an antigravity simulator and a gyroscope machine. I guess motionsickness and nausea are side-effects of this Super Power training.

Whatever the machines are, you just know each training session is gonna be super expensive. I know a cheaper way to enhance your perception abilities: LSD.

Up until now, even most church members were kept in the dark about this training. Even church officials have been quite hush-hush about it. Church spokesman Ben Shaw provided a written statement: "Super Power is a series of spiritual counseling processes designed to give a person back his own viewpoint, increase his perception, exercise his power of choice, and greatly enhance other spiritual abilities."

I wonder if you can train in order to dull the senses. That could come in handy while changing a diaper, when a Britney Spears song comes on the radio, or when some really overweight, middle-aged, and sun dried woman cuts in line ahead of me at Wal-Mart.

Shaw said that 300 Scientologists are now fully trained in the Jedi Arts, uh...I mean Super Power program. Maybe they'll wear cool superhero costumes like the X-men. Thank God Kristie Alley lost all that weight. She'll look quite svelte in a black jumpsuit as she perceives where all the pizza parlors are and warn overweight citizens to avoid them.

Question: you think Tom Cruise can perceive his movie MiIII's crashing ticket sales?


Pixie said...

Hee I like the way you linked the previous post with this one: Tom Cruise = Risky Buisiness.


kim said...

Nice article. I like how Scientologists always happen to be famous or bajillionaires.

:P fuzzbox said...

I heard a recent Britney Spears quote that she would do a nude scene and she wants to play a superhero. Maybe she should enlist in Scientology. That is just what the world needs. A pregnant nude superhero religous nutjob with trailer trash overtones. The world will be a better place for it.

angel, jr. said...

I still have to watch M II

the weirdgirl said...

I have Super Powers. Namely, the ability to see through bull with my xray vision. Maybe I should call the Church of Scientology and offer to share my exclusive training program with them. (It involves being locked in a room with car salesmen, injury lawyers, and so-called "prophets".)

Jim said...

maybe that's what Cruise was doing do on Ophra's sofa, trying a George Reeves style lift off

It's a Bird, It's a Plane... It's Tom Cruise!

Jamie Dawn said...

I sense that this post was funny.

I sense Tom Cruise's huge star fading.

I used to think that TV evangelists and Christian churches had the religious market cornered when it came to milking cash from the sheeple. I sense I was wrong.

I sense a lot of stuff.

I promise to use my gift for good.

Keshi said...

Funnnnay ;-)

I have no idea what these new-age religions/cults if we dun have enough problems with the old religions lol!


Michelle said...

I wonder if he'll take his couch along with him!

Curare_Z said...

Ahh man. I've always wanted super powers. If I had super powers, I'd make the world forget about Scientology.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I love my clay table. It's signed by John Travolta!

DaBich said...

I haven't seen one MI movie. Don't know if I want to either. Super powers? No thanks, I think I'll stick to being a Super Bich LOL

Bruce said...

A-Rod saved a kid's life in much the same way... maybe he's a Scientologist, too?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

So, how much money is it going to cost me and how much time in this scientology crap am I gonna have to spend before I can fly? ;)

BrianAlt said...

Actually most Scientologists aren't rich. It's only the rich ones that get to go out and play. The poor ones are locked up to in the 'church' to work for everyone else.

KC said...

Hey, I tried one of the gyroscope machines before. I didn't get any super-powers from it; just a sick tummy.

Etchen said...

OMG, yet one more bizarre aspect of Scientology. Wow. A religion created by a sciencefiction writer--now why doesn't that seem odd to the members?

Perplexio said...

Didn't Hubbard's own son commit suicide after being rejected by the Church of Scientology back in the seventies?

And I could be wrong but I believe I also once read that Hubbard himself had discredited the very church he founded as just being a financial venture.

Mimi said...

I think scientologists are full of shit. But just think of how screwed we are if they are right! Maybe thats the antichrist arrival the bible warns about! LOL

Kyahgirl said...

It's just too weird.I don't know how anyone can take it seriously.

cube said...

With Crazy Cruise you must mean stoopid powers. He can wreck big studios with a single interview.

Curare_Z said...

Perplexio: It wouldn't surprise me....I heard that the invent of Scientology was based on a gentlemen's bet between Hubbard and Frank Herbert(author of the Dune series). They were talking about either the best way to make money or to ensure fame and Frank bet Ron he couldn't create a religion...

Don't know if its true or not, but I've heard that a couple of times...

Tai said...


You would have thought his 'superpowers' would have informed him that the rest of the free world thinks he's a fool.

Perhaps he hasn't donated enough to get the 'self awareness' powers.

Perplexio said...

Curare_Z: Now you've got me trying to imagine what kind of religion Frank Herbert might have created had the roles in such a bet been reversed...

And that very bet you're referring to is kind of the premise for Christopher Moore's book Island of the Sequined Love Nun. The ghost of a World War II pilot bets Jesus, over a game of poker, that he can create a religion too. Moore used the premise of Micornesian Cargo Cults which worshipped WWII pilots as they "came from the sky" and thus these primitive Micronesian peoples thought they were deities. Moore extrapolates on the idea to hilarious ends. If you've not read it, I highly recommend it. It's my favorite of his books.

Curare_Z said...

Perplexio: I'll have to pick that one up. It sounds right up my alley. Thanks for the suggestion!

Mojotek said...

You mean the FLorida millionaire didn't just percieve the oncoming truck with his eyes? He was the only one who could "percieve" it?

Wow... how'd he even become a millionaire then?

Yawn said...

"I know a cheaper way to enhance your perception abilities: LSD."


"I wonder if you can train in order to dull the senses."


I have a cheaper way Phoenix- Coors Light. In my misspent college years it dulled my senses enough to do some pretty tasteless things with some pretty disgusting woman who probably looked a great deal like Xenu. Or Cthulu.


LostInTX said...

Cruise is a waste of air. And no matter how badly I wanted to see MI3 I won't... I can't even stand to look at him anymore.

Will said...

I am just totally fascinated with scientology, so thanks for this post. Good point on the cash. Who knew enlightenment could be so expensive. Mind control - that's how Tom Cruise won over Katie Holmes. I think scientology is nutty - not any nuttier than any other religion, though. There just happens to be a lot of nutty info coming about it now.

Watch your back though Phoenix - that church has power. Look what they did to South Park.

David Amulet said...

The best use for Scientologist Super Powers: To marry the likes of Kelly Preston and Katie Holmes. Go with what works!!

P.S. -- Yes, I'm still alive ... just a bit oversubscribed lately.

-- david

Anhoni Patel said...

Um...I think mediatation can get you the same result and a lot more cheaply!

The Phoenix said...

Maybe I should lay off the Scientology posts...I noticed two guys wearing space suits following me around today.

Phats said...

You better becareful Phoenix Tom Cruise will get his weirdo scientologist groupies and hunt you down and kill you!

Personally I think the man is a quack

Karen said...

"Tom Cruise with super powers"...

...of the weirdoes!

Ben Heller said...

I'm thinking of investigating Scientology as it seems to be the route to eternal finacial plentitude.

The Phoenix said...

Ben - welcome back! I'm thinking you got it backwards. Unless you're a multi-millionare, Scientology isn't that interested in you. The non-wealthy serve as simple gophers.

By the way, thanks Pixie for noticing how I put the picture of Tom Cruise above the previous post's title. Good eye.

jay lassiter said...

when i lived in DC, i always asked to use the restroom at the Church of Scientology to roll joints.

it was the perfect spot to stop and pee-n-twist on the way to the bar (or to dupont circle.)

Since they so eager to court new members they certainly weren't gonna say "No" when i asked politely if it was okay to use their restroom.

Godwhacker said...

I saved someone's life once. I was 16 and a 13 year-old friend of the family was about to run off a cliff. I tackled the kid and managed to use my body as a brake to slow us down as we both skidded towards the edge of a 500 foot drop. He latter grew up to be a home invasion robber and committed suicide in jail. If I had known what would become of him, I wouldn't have bothered.

Buffy said...

I'd watch MI III.

But only if I didnt have to pay for it.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I like Tom Cruise - it's hard to find that much crazy stuffed into one body.

michele said...

Tom is insanity man walking.
Here by way of mimi,stop by
for visit.

Big Pissy said...

Really. How can anyone take this seriously? They must be doing some major brainwashing....

starbender said...

Luv'd the post!

vani said...

tom cruise on lsd! now that's a good one...

phred said...

I don`t think Tom Cruise has the ''right stuff''.

That sound you his career going down the toliet.

The Phoenix said...

I perceive Kate Holmes is trying to escape the Tom Cruise estate. Maybe a band of Methodists can get her out.

Sar said...

Ah, that would explain why he did his own stunts for MI. I think I might have super powers. Nah a fleeting thought, I'm no millionaire.

PDD said...

This just confirms that the tarot deck needs to be expanded. The LSD card needs to be implemented so that when I do a reading for Ron. L Hubbard, it will be accurate.

This past winter I walked into the Church of Scientology located in Toronto and said "Is Kal-El here?" right after Kal-El was born (Nicolas Cages son. Nick's a scientologist, no?) Everyone just looked at me, not saying a word. It was funny. You had to be there.

Anyway, have you ever heard of the V.I.B.E machine? It stands for "Vibrational Integrated Bio-photonic Energizer." My friend owns a store (he just opened it) and has purchased one of these things (they are quite expensive) and sells sessions. His sessions are reasonably priced. Apparently what it does (among many other things) is elevates your cell voltage thus bringing it back to it's natural healthy state. It is said that healthy cells have cell voltages of minus 70 to minus 90 millivolts. When one is stressed or sick etc their cell voltage drops thus making them prone to illness. If the voltage drops to minus 15, the cell becomes diseased.

What do you make of all this? What are your thoughts and opinions on this? You can visit one website I know of:

I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this subject. Perhaps you could do a post about it.

Jay said...

I really admire Ron L. I admire anyone who can make a fool out of thousands of people while making money hand over fist. That's a great racket.

The Phoenix said...


VIBE machine? I'm going to have to do some investigation for sure. This will have to be a post.

Jay, The guy really was prety damn smart. He was a struggling writer, sick of making little money. He decided that starting a religion was the way to fortune and fame - and he was right.

PDD said...

Okay cool, I am looking forward to the post. I will also link it on a post.


phlegmfatale said...


Kid Jacque said...

Tom Cruise is a wanker.

wallycrawler said...

That was f'n great ! Funny stuff !

Cruise has , gleefully , lots his luster ! Most Producers have figured out that he's poison .

His next movie will likely be a comedy/love story . His big box office career is over .

Anonymous said...

Anyone read Dean Koontz's Coldfire? The Feshbach account of saving the little boy is swiped right out of that book.

If they're going to take credit for stuff, don't steal your material from a well-known FICTION writer!

Super boy said...

Wow can I have super powers too...
come On pppppppppllllllllleeeaaaaassseeeeee

Anonymous said...

I'm just noticing the succinct 3 letter answer to the insanity: LSD!

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