Thursday, June 15, 2006

Weapons of Mass Destruction?

As the war in Iraq continues to divide the country, it's time to look at some of the alternative weapons the US has investigated in the past. Perhaps if some of this technology could've been further developed, we could have unsurped Saddam while minimizing casualties on all sides. One such weapon is known as the GAY BOMB. Some have tagged it the Homo-Bomb, or H-Bomb for short. What can such a weapon do?

It's a bomb that releases a chemical that makes the enemy sexually irresistable to each other. To the point where they lay down their weapons and begin to lay down with each other.

Does anybody else find this incredible silly, yet ingenious???

The "Gay Bomb" is only one of many non-lethal weapons that were considered by the US military. Other variations include:

The Bee Bomb. These bombs would release a bee pheromone onto the enemy. Then we'd throw a bunch of bee hives in the vacinity, and let them at 'em. I find the visual incredibly funny. Although it wouldn't be non-lethal to those that are allergic to bee stings. In the cartoons, the person being chased by bees only had to jump in the water to avoid being stung. Remember, Iraq is a desert.

Bad Breath Bomb. Imagine a bomb that gave the enemies severe bad breath. How would this be helpful? In the ugly world of gurella warfare, soldiers often blend in with civilians. This makes it difficult to track them down without creating collateral damage. If the soldiers had severe hallitosis, it would be easier for our troops to single out the soliders hiding among the citizens. My question is, just how bad are insurgents' oral hygiene to begin with? I'm going to assume the Iraqi insurgency doesn't come with a dental plan.

Who Me? Bomb. This bomb creates a strong fart smell within the enemies' locations. It's supposed to make them ill and wear down their willingness to fight. Air Force Researchers finally axed this option because they learned that in many parts of the world, the smell of ripe ass music is as natural as the wind blows.

To me, the Gay Bomb is the most interesting. Is there such a chemical/pheremone that would make soldiers suddenly want to stop fighting Infidels are start making sweet homosexual love to each other? The answer is probably "no." Although the public really doesn't know how far, if at all, such a chemical has been developed. I personally believe the Gay Bomb SHOULD be developed.

It's a much better alternative to blowing up our enemies. And can you imagine the morale of insurgents knowing their brothers in arms are now literally brothers in arms??? In a part of the world where homosexuality is punishable by death, I believe such a Gay Bomb would make all of our enemies drop their weapons and surrender. Whether they're Iraqi insurgents or Afghan Al Qaeda, they would probably rather give up then be turned into homosexuals on the battlefield. (The French Army have already volunteered for any future Gay Bomb's testing).

Think about it. The war in Iraq has been very bloody, and nothing can bring back the ones that have died. Could all of this death have been avoided with a Gay Bomb? With such a non-lethal weapon, say goodbye to machine guns, rockets, and land mines. Say hello to lives saved, hot gay love in the desert, and well dressed enemy soliders.

There's a "Weapon of Mass Destruction" joke in there somewhere, but I can't quite word it right.


The Phoenix said...

Sorry I've been gone so long. This is the first time in 10 days I've had even just a little bit of time on my computer.

I will catch up with everyone, I promise.

Jay said...

Can't we all just be friends?

I mean, really.

Metal Mark said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Metal Mark said...

What about the Nude Bomb? It was the Get Smart reunion movie in 1980 about a bomb that would destroy everyone's clothes. I guess whether that is scary or not depends on how you feel about your body.

DaBich said...

LOL Phoenix, loved the wit here. I second the Gay Bomb! Have it sent in with Monkey know.

Hope all is well, I missed you!!

Jim said...

don't forget Monty Python's Killer Joke

KC said...

Love the idea of a gay bomb! But what about the US Armed Forces' policy of "don't ask, don't tell"? That would shoot the policy all to hell, wouldn't it? ha.

Jamie Dawn said...

Didn't you mean "Weapon of Mass Erections?"

The Phoenix said...

jay, That's the point of the Gay Bomb!

metal mark, I think such a bomb could prove useful. Public nudity is also punishable by death in the Middle East.

dabich, Monkey Jackson! Ha. Thanks!

jim, Excellent point.

KC, Brings new meaning to "Friendly Fire."

JD, That's awesome. I was thinking "Weapon of Ass Destruction" but thought it was too graphic.

Laurie said...

You are so twisted, and that's why I love you... ;-)

Gay Bomb... LOL

the weirdgirl said...

Welcome back Phoenix! You were missed.

I can just picture George W doing a press conference explaining that they were going to make all the Iraquis gay. Once the lobbying for gay marriage in the US starts, just to watch the backpedaling alone would be worth it!

Pixie said...

Glad you are back Phoenix. :)

The thought of the Bee bomb makes me giggle. i pictured all these men rushing to jump in the nearest river, but then remembered that this is Iraq we are talking about.

Phats said...

Good to see you're alive and well!

It's nice to see you find comedy in the war, like you said it's torn so many people down the middle. I persoanlly like the bees, and the bad breath one! :)

have a good day

:P fuzzbox said...

With a weapon of such devestating power, you can be sure that our enemies will get it in the end.

angel, jr. said...

Yay!!! You are back!!!

phred said...

What would a Gay Muslim do with the virgins waiting for him in Heaven ??

Is that where all the virgins are?? In Heaven ??

Glad you`re back .

Update: Fuzzboxs intervention is not working.
Crazy Dan is getting married.
And Big D is.... well , Big D.

phred said...

Damn, that sounds like some kind of sick soap opera...

The Phoenix said...

laurie, Thanks...I've been called twisted before, but not in such a positive light.

WG, It's great to be back. Georgie will have Osama's ascot mounted on a plaque to go with Sadam's pistol.

Pixie, There was another variation, where rats would be drawn to attack the enemy. That's a little too cruel.

phats, Thanks buddy. I am very much alive. There's humor is just about everything, I believe.

The Phoenix said...

Fuzz, You get to share the trophy with Jamie Dawn for the funniest one liners.

Angel, I'll be in your town in two weeks. You should give me a tour. Or at least have your mom cook me some pancit.

phred, Not all virgins in heaven are women! Your update does sound like a soap opera. I hope you didn't father a love child.

angel, jr. said...

Let me know when, I'm leaving at the end of the month for Las Vegas so let me know. I can take you out to lunch or dinner.

Michelle said...

LMAO, thanks so much for making my day! Carson Kressley in the military....could be what Iraq needs!

cube said...

The Middle East: where men are men, women are cattle, and goats are fun. I don't know that a gay bomb or a bad breath bomb would change much there. How about a deodorant bomb --that might scare them ;-)

Mimi said...

The gay bomb reminds me of movies and cartoons where someone gets hit with a cupid arrow or love potion and falls in love with the next person they see, man or woman! LOL!

I always tell hubby his gas could be used for warfare. But like you said, since so many places have people with ass like BO I guess it wouldn't work.

vani said...

don't we have enough gays in the military? LOL

LBseahag said...

That gay General guy looks like Balki from Perfect Strangers with blonde hair...I knew it!!!

Jenna Howard said...

Welcome back.

Not sure how I feel about all this backdoor shenanigans.

Maybe that sex ray from Flesh Gordon should be developed. I'm for that one.

Karen said...

Kinda wondered if you'd decided to take a hiatus like some of the cartoonist do ...good to see you back!

"Bad Breath Bomb"... had those dropped on me before, yuk!! *grin*

Ekta said...

This is hilarious!
Whoever thot of gay bomb!!!...But trust me this could be more lethal..just to make "all men love each other"..sigh!

Keshi said...

lol is this for real? first of all WB Phoenix, we missed ya!

**It's a bomb that releases a chemical that makes the enemy sexually irresistable to each other

good one..I'll join the forces then ;-)


O Ceallaigh said...

Only one problem with the gay bomb idea. It might turn the opposition into hoplites.

Hoplites were the principal infantry forces of the Greek city states around the 5th century BCE. Homosexual relations among hoplites were commonly encouraged, on the theory that lovers would fight more ferociously to protect (and perhaps impress) each other.

Thus, in theory, a Gay Bomb could give you a more, not less, formidable army with which to deal. There is, of course, the small problem of the Qur'an, which shares its prohibition of homosexuality with Judaism - and in fact, since Muslims assume descent from "Abraham" along with Jews, the prohibition probably comes from the Torah. (Talk about ironies.)

But a good commander faced with a Gay Bomb problem, might suddenly discover Olympian Zeus, and develop his unit's fondness for that god.

Curare_Z said...

I'm with Cube...the Deodorent Bomb sounds like a winner. And it should smell like Gillette, not patchouli.... :-)

David Amulet said...

Welcome back.

And thank you for resisting the urge--come on, I know you felt it--to use the phrase "Weapons of Mass Suction."

-- david

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"say goodbye to machine guns, rockets, and land mines."

With the exception of those deadly "pocket rockets", right? ;)

The Phoenix said...

angel, Vegas sounds better. Maybe I can stowaway on board the plane.

michelle, The troops would get a makeover for sure.

cube, In college, we took such a guy and doused with with deodorant. It was a joke, and he took it well. I was just tired of the smell of ripe bung hole permeating the hallways.

mimi, Flatulance is a great weapon. Especially in the 3rd grade, it's a force to reckon with.

vani, I think we need more.

LB, It's actually Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

The Phoenix said...

jenna, Flesh Gordon...that's wonderful cinema. You know what I like.

karen, Nope - it wasn't an intended hiatus. I would've said something beforehand. I just have a lot going on. I had an English teacher with nasty breath, and she loved to get real close with her face when answering a question.

ekta, More lethal? Ouch.

keshi, Yes. These are actual ideas that were recently uncovered by an organization that uses the Freedom of Information Act to release once top secret documents.

o'ceal, And the Greek army was quite a formidable one. I bet their morning drills were quite exhausting.

curare, I always thought patchuli smelled like crap.

amulet, I have had to restrain myself quite a bit. I think I did a good job keeping it PG-13.

stacy, Those pocket rockets can get downright dirty. In fact, they probably will.

Yawn said...

I believe there is a movie out there entitled "Weapons of Ass Destruction." Never seen it, probably won't.

ozymandiaz said...

Sure, they may all fight better as homosexuals (hoplites) but them they would have to face the forocity of the religious right.

Jon Cox said...

Hey Hey! :o) Thank you so much! I'm surprised about hot realistic Captain Caveman looks as well. I'm so glad you like my latest series. Thank you so much! :o)
These bombs are weird, interesting & somewhat funny as well!!

Fated said...


Nova said...

This is by far one of the most interesting posts ever. lol

Carmel said...

Gay bomb! LOL very witty =)

Jamie Dawn said...

You say potato; I say po-tah-to...

Weapons of ass destruction is WAY too graphic.
I am appalled!!

Kyahgirl said...

still laughing at Jamie Dawn!!

Will said...

Gay bomb = good idea. In fact, let's drop it EVERYWHERE.

james said...

Perhaps if the Coalition troops took a little more care of themselves - a nice revitalising moisturizer, a decent haircut, a manicure, maybe even a change of clothes every now and then.

Is it too much to ask?!

Etchen said...

OMG is that funny. Let me know if you figure out teh wording of that WMD joke. Tee-hee!

The Phoenix said...

My favorites:

"Weapons of Ass Destruction"

"Weapons of Mass Errections"

"Weapons of Mass Suction"

"Weapons of Sass Construction"

Grafs said...

This gay bomb thing is just proof of how scared some people are of the gay. Also, nothing on EARTH is going to make a straight man be gay. Silly scientists!

Phats said...


Tasa said...

Hahaha I like the bee one best. =)

Cari said...


Good one.

The Phoenix said...

Grafs, It makes you wonder if such an agent has been in development. Millions were spent on the proposals for these projects...I have to assume something was in the process of being developed.

phats, Thanks buddy!

tasa, I think that it would really great to have something like that. They'd throw down their rocket launchers and run away from a swarm of aggressive bees.

cari, Glad I could make you laugh. Many times, science is stranger than fiction.

Godwhacker said...

Funny post! Would the gay bomb turn gay soldiers straight? What about the lesbians? Seriously, the military is gay enough already.

Jenna Howard said...

Happy father's day! this is what they mean by gay-dar.

I can't believe it took me this long to come up with that. Not only writer's block. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Ok, dude, the gay bomb sounded good at first, but then I realized. A few major problems. First off, do we really want a few hundred thousand gay Iraqis begging to get into the US to find a mate? Secondly, what if like some kid's father was overseas as a POW when one of them went off? Loving husband and father of 3 comes home wanting his son to sit on his lap! If that bomb gets mass produced, sooner or later, we'll all be screwed, lol. I say we make a bomb with the hormone that makes breasts larger and hit em with that. BAM, instant implants. You think they would fight? NO. A quarter would be committing suicide, a quarter crying to God, and the other half playing with their nipples!

mannie said...

Speaking of Hoplites, check out my helmet blog at:

Go tell the (naked) Spartans!

Best wishes,


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