Friday, July 7, 2006

What's Next? Bell-less Dumbs?

Are you wanting to get in shape, but are discouraged by your lack of coordination? You know that jumping rope is one of the best exercises out there, but you keep tripping over that stupid rope? Well, my clumsy bafoon, have we got the solution to your problem. May I present:

The ropeless jump-rope.

What is it and how does it work?

Lester Clancy, of Mansfield Ohio, has invented a cordless jump-rope for those that are just too clumsy for the real thing. How many times has that annoying rope gotten in the way of a good jump-rope workout for goodnessakes? Well, U.S. Patent 7037243 is going to make jumping rope fun again. Goodbye pesky rope!

The contraption looks like two doughnuts with handles. They look more like fancy maracas then a revolutionary excersie apparatus. Inside each ring, there are weighted balls that go round and round as you simulate the movement of jumping rope.


Clancy is still looking for financial backers, as he's only been able to afford to build just one cordless jump-rope handle. However, I don't think it'll take long to find someone willing to pump money into this incredible invention. Think about the need for such a gadget! You can still get a great cardio workout without all the fuss. Clancy believes his invention would also be great for those in mental institutions or prisons where ropes are banned due to suicide risk.

Double Dutch brilliant!

Clancy should know about the needs of inmates, as he is the laundry coordinator at a state prison. Low ceiling fans or crowded prison cells shouldn't be an excuse to not get your jump-roping workout. The cordless jump-rope is a savior.

Mike Ernst, a professor of kinesiology at California State University in Dominguez Hills commented, "I think it's silly but at the same time if somehow, some way it promotes physical activity, gets kids active, then I'm all for it." But he goes on to say, "But I wouldn't buy the product, I can tell you that. I'm not an idiot."

But I'm the idiot that would! I love the idea of a ropeless jump-rope. Although as far as using them in mental institutions, many of the patients are already quite proficient in imagining things, which I assume includes imagining to jump rope.

And as far as using them in prisons...I'm thinking an inmate could take advantage of the weighted balls inside to increase momentum and break someone's skull with the ropeless jump-rope handles. So I'm not to sure about the whole "marketing to prisons" thing. Anyone else remember all the prison violence utilizing the ab-blaster and thigh master?

Finally, if it's jump rope without the rope...shouldn't it just be called a "jump?"


Kid Jacque said...

Shredded 80's pants - I love the picture....

:P fuzzbox said...

Seems like everything is going cordless.

Mimi said...

Wow!What will they think of next?

The dude who invented this needs to watch an episode of Barney and learn how to use his imagination.

OnMyWatch said...

This post was incredible! You're a great writer.

But I think I'll stick to imagining working out alltogether and just sit on the couch. :)

Sherri said...

Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands.

The Phoenix said...

day dreamer, Yeah! They remind me of the kind the lead singer for Def Leppard wore.

fuzz, or brainless.

mimi, Now THAT's an imagination. It takes true creativity to make a big gay purple dinosaur come to life.

onymywatch, Thanks so much! Personally, I don't even like to imagine working out.

sherri, It's an actual patent. That's what's so funny.

Jim said...

swinging two squirrels has pretty much the same effect. and a nice side show afterwards

Will said...

Yes, it probably should just be called jump. I, for one, am a little clumsy when it comes to the jump rope. This seems like the right thing for me - of course I could just go running.

vani said...

wow, anything for a quick buck, huh?

phred said...

I swear, what is this world coming to..
Doing away with the jump '' rope ''.
What is next ??

Jamie Dawn said...

I've got an even better idea:
I'm sitting here right now, imagining I'm jumping rope. :)

Your prison related comments are truly comedic genius. Me enjoy good humor!

Karen said...


Catch said...

it sounds like one of those things you might buy then leave it laying around for a decade!

Pixie said...

Oh my the guy second from the left looks "happy" doesnt he.

I had to LOL I saw your comment (I forget where) about the "cult leader" It made me laff =)

The Phoenix said...

jim, Then my doggies can eat them afterwards.

will, or just do jumping jacks.

vani, think 'pet rock.'

phred, doing away with everything "Christmas" and calling it "Winter Holiday."

JD, I'm with you! Thanks.

karen, double dutch brilliant!

catch, I have one of those ab blasters. It makes a great floatation device should there be another great flood.

pixie, He sure does. And the guy to his left, the one in the sports jacket - I swear it looks like he peed in his pants.

Laurie said...

I don't know, it could work if the weights in the handles really mimic the motion good enough... I hate jumping rope, so I wouldn't buy one.

Perplexio said...

Get Van Halen to use their hit song to help sell it and it can't miss. Or better yet, get David Lee Roth to be the official spokesperson... It's not like he's busy doing anything else.

Jenna Howard said...

Dangnabbit! Fuzz stole my line.

Half the fun of jumping rope is timing it so you don't trip and fall. Or is that just me?

Mr_Selfdestruct said...

I have a question... Why do you even need the weighted handles? Why not just jump. Stand in one place and jump, for five minutes, and not have to spend money on useless exercise equipment.

I'm not saying, I just saying...

Jim, your response is brilliant. I love it.

delmer said...

My kids told me about this a while ago. I thought they were pulling my leg.

You gotta admit -- Ohio has it all. Psychic chiropractors who travel back in time to heal you ... cordless jump rope inventors.

Personally, I prefer to be able to hang at least a basket of dirty clothing off my useless exercise equipment. This gizmo -- two pair of pants ... tops.

Michelle said...

I'd have to hold on to my boobs :(

NMOTB said...

OK - What's next! Your blog makes for some interesting reading!

Ben Heller said...

Classic I've gotta have one. Somebody tell The Double Dutch girls.

Grafs said...

Swell! I was never coordinated enough to handle the rope...Though I have to say I never felt the overwhelming need to jump rope either. It was a good idea, though.

Jon Cox said...


KC said...

It makes me tired just thinking about jumping rope...

Hey, is the Overland area too far for you to go? My friend is going to start doing his karaoke show from 7pm - 10pm on Friday nights. I think that will be awesome to do it so early. Then it still leaves time to do other things later or get home to the kids at a decent hour. Email me if you're interested in meeting up, OK?

Fated said...

I can pay someone money just so I can jump in spot? Amazing! Where do I sign up??

Jay said...

They should jazz up the name a bit, like yogurt did with gogurt - when you make things so incredibly simple for folks, you need to reel them in with a clever name.

Jamie Dawn said...

I have some dumbbells, but I think I actually have to lift them in order for them to work. Crud!

phlegmfatale said...

ropeless jump rope is bound to be a huge success!

Keshi said...

hahahaha @the last pic!


DaBich said...

LOL at Michelle, that's an entire different exercise ;)

starbender said...

creativity abounds!
How about a program
where U watch U'rself

Curare_Z said...

The answer to all my embarrassing childhood moments is finally here. Now I wish I could travel back in time and show those b*&tches just how well I can jump

What's next? Weight lifting without weights?

The Phoenix said...

I find mental exercise is more than enough for me.

ozymandiaz said...

I tried one of those ropeless jumpropes...
I still tripped over it.

jay lassiter said...

did you get that last pic from the 1988 gay pride parade?

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