Thursday, August 31, 2006

It's the End of the World As We Know It...Again!

The Apocalypse is such a great selling gimmick. Remember all those movies that came out around the new Millenium such as Deep Impact, End of Days, and Armageddon. The Left Behind Series has been a worldwide best seller, describing the Second Coming of Christ and all that good stuff.

But many times in life, truth is stranger than fiction.

We have yet another doomsday cult proclaiming that the end of the world is near. VERY near, in fact. The House of Yahweh has sent a press release out to the media declaring nuclear war will begin on September 12, 2006.

Believers of The House of Yahweh, a Christian sect based out of Abeline, Texas, quote a specific passage in Holy Bible, Isaiah 24 v 1-6:

"Behold, Yahweh makes the earth empty, makes it waste, turns it upside down, and scatters its inhabitants. The earth will be utterly emptied and utterly laid waste; for Yahweh has spoken this word.
Therefore the curse has devoured the earth, and those who dwell therein are found guilty. Therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left."

Wow. Sounds scary.

According to Yisrayl Hawkins, the founder of The House of Yahweh, the unrest in the Middle East will become a full-blown nuclear war on September 12th of this year. Hawkins points to several other Biblical verses, particularly in the Book of Revelations, that makes it very clear how the world will end.

And of course the only people left standing will be members of The House of Yahweh.

So what else does The House of Yahweh believe in?

*Satan is a female that controls the world's governments and religions.
*Catholicism and Protestanism are evil faiths, symbolized by the two horns of the beast in Revelation 13-11.
*God and Jesus are two separate beings. The Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) does not exist.
*The two witnesses mentioned in Revelation 11 are actually Jacob Hawkins (the original founder, but now deceased) and Yisrayl Hawkins (current faith leader and Jacob's brother).

Wow. Sounds evem MORE scary.

Yisrayl (at left) has had to recently "adjust" his earlier prediction, however. Originally, he said that 80% of the world's population would be wiped out by mid-2001 via The Tribulation. Rain was also not to fall for 1260 days. So much for that. I predict horseshit to fall upon The House of Yahweh.

Maybe they should change their cult's name to The House of Wrongweh.

So now, the "new" date for Armageddon is September 12...Twelve days folks. Are you ready? You can see a video of Yisrayl Hawkins discussing his prediction HERE.

For fun, here is just a small sampling of failed Doomsday predictions the last few years:

Ted Porter of The Five Doves predicted The Rapture would come at 6:13 PM (Jeruselum time) on April 23, 2004. Funny thing is, the dumbshit made this prediction 2 weeks prior to this date.

In 1998, Taoist prophet Ping Wu predicted a full-scale nuclear would happen in 2000, follwed by a rebirth in 2004. Ping has since taken a prediction-making hiatus. Maybe he's playing Ping Pong.

On May 15th, 2003, a Japanese cult called the Pana Wave claimed that some 10th planet would fly by Earth, creating massive worldwide earthquakes and other disasters. The members, all dressed in white, waited for the end to come. And after it didn't, altered their prediction to May 22nd, just a week later. And of course, that day came and went. I think the cult went on to form an NFL-Europe team, but I might be mistaken.

Marilyn Agee (pictured right), based out of California, is one of the most entertaining Doomsday prognosticators. The Rapture was supposed to begin on May 31, 1998. That didn't happen, and she tacked on another 7 days (the same as Noah's 'waiting period). And of course, nothing happened on June 6, 1998. This is when the hilarity ensues. Marilyn follows this all up with:

June 14, 1998...
then June 21, 1998....
followed by September 20, 1998...
then Pentacost of 1999, then the Greek Orthodox Penacost of May 30, 1999...
then there's the astronomical Pentacost on June 20, 1999...
and there's June 9th or 10th of 2000...
and the 10 day waiting period, making the end coming on June 20, 2000...
using funky calendar dates and fuzzy math, her new date is August 11, 2000...
pissed she can't get The Rapture right, Marilyn says The Second Coming will occur on April 5, 2011...
so that means The Tribulation will happen on May 20, 2007 through September 5, 2013 or May 28, 2009 through September 14, 2015. Does this woman even know what today's date is?...
back to The Rapture, she misses her prediction of May 23, 2004 and revises it with May 27, 2004...
OK, The Rapture will really happen on June 14, 2005...
No, wait...August 15, 2005 based on the harvest season of ancient Israel...
Damnit! She meant December 26, 2005...
Doh! She actually meant September 26, 2006.

Don't you think by now all of Marilyn Agee's followers have to be wondering just why in the hell they're still around? Just don't hold your breaths.



52 comments:

Will said...

Geez ... about to give me a headache there trying to figure all of that out. The end of the world is a nice little marketing gimmick ... however I have yet to see any "prophet" have an accurate prediction. That being said, you just never know.

Will said...

BTW - will we be hearing a new podcast in the near future?

KC said...

Did you ever see the 2004 season episode of Six Feet Under titled "In Case of Rapture"? Your post made me think of it. Dorothy Sheedy was driving in her car listening to "end-of-days" type religious hooey on her radio when she suddenly saw naked bodies float up into the air. Thinking that the rapture had happened and she would soon be "taken", she got out of her car and tried to chase the floating bodies, only to be hit by a car and killed. Funny thing is, the floating bodies were inflatable dolls that had got loose from a couple guys who were transporting them somewhere. Pitiful. Sad. Funny as hell.

The Phoenix said...

Will, I think anyone predicting the end of days is going to be full of it. Yes, I am working on a new podcast. It's been a long time, but this one involves me doing actual scientific experiments.

KC, Nope - I haven't seen it. It's a great statement on how gullible people can be, however.

Bruce said...

One word for these people: nutbags.

Mr. Friendly said...

Most ironical in all this apocalypso is that the fundamentalists, having secured their place in God's kingdom not only CAN'T FUGGIN' WAIT TO GET THERE, BUT ARE DYING TO SEE THEIR INFIDEL NEIGHBORS, CO-WORKERS, RELATIVES GET THEIRS.

I am no theologian, but I played one in a TV commercial or two and I can't recall in all my research, mostly internet searches, that Jesus did the "Curly shuffle" every time he thought of his father's children suffering through damnation.

But what do I know...

cube said...

My dad used to say that the world ends when you die.

The Phoenix said...

Christian Fundamentalists employ a social phenomena in order to get followers.

It is human nature to want to belong to a group. And that bond is strengthened when you feel like you a part of a mutually EXCLUSIVE group.

These biblical literalists believe only 144,000 will ascend into heaven - they are the chosen ones. The remaining 5.6 billion of us will burn in hell, I guess.

But think about the math. The ratio of Rapturees to the Damned is 1 in 40,000. If 1 Super Jesus Freak was taken, for every 40,000 Satan Lover alive...I don't think we'd notice.

2300 persons are reported missing every single day in America. That's 839,500 reported missing people every year.

Mr. Friendly said...

fuggin A Phoenix! However, I thought the Freaky Fundamentalists were giving some slack in that 144,000. I will check out my sources (internet and neighbors) and get back to you.

delmer said...

"turns it upside down"

So we turn upside down? I'm not worried. Australia is just getting ready for Spring then Summer.

If I have to pass on cold and snowy one year, I'll get by.

Now, if the world were turned inside out, that would be a b*tch.

Sherri said...

I just watched something last night on dateline about this type of stuff. Sort of, anyway. It was predicting different scenarios on how the end of the world is likely going to take place.

OnMyWatch said...

you're hilarious!

all I can say is, that woman's day planner must be completely jacked up.

Carae said...

damn... nuclear holocaust in 12 days, huh? Guess I shouldn't have bought a new car.

HA!

The Phoenix said...

mr. friendly, When you get down to it, they will figure out more fuzzy math and using the circumference of Noah's Ark's poop deck to mess with the numbers. Fundamentalists are the kings of compartmentalist thinking.

delmer, I'm thinking getting turned upside down wouldn't be a fun process.

sherri, Most likely from an asteroid. A really big one. Either that or Flava Flav takes over.

onmywatch, It's obvious to me the woman cannot even KEEP a day planner. If she does, it must look like my Trapper Keeper from the 5th grade.

carae, I guess I shouldn't have fallen in love either. What's the point if we're all gonna not just die, but burn in Hell because we're not one of the chosen 144,000.

Grafs said...

Whew! I'm glad they corrected their earlier predictions. I was beginning to think I would have to pay for that shopping spree of 2001.

David Amulet said...

Funny, that verse doesn't really point to any particular date. As if the calendar we use, which hadn't been invented yet, is linked to specific biblical verses. (Which, of course, are translated from modified copies and distillations of earlier copies or oral traditions.)

The idiocy of these literal interpreters blows the mind.

-- david

Karen said...

"Satan is a female that controls the world's governments and religions"...

...that would be bushie tryin' to stuff condi down our throats!

Carmel said...

Yikes! It's strange how they twist words from the bible. Especially when it's clear to point out that "no one" can predict the end of the world.
Those cults are bizarre!

Jim said...

damn Phoenix, Sept 12th was the day I was going to have you and your family over for dinner and free Mercedes (Mercedii????)


paxwas <== spooky

Amber said...

I'll make sure to clear my schedule for Sept 12th!!!

LMAO

MIA said...

I ALREADY KNEW THIS... I played my Zepplin albums backwards and it gave me all the codes and dates. I'm prepared, can of spam and perrier. jeeeeeez

Keshi said...

**My dad used to say that the world ends when you die.


I like that and I think thats the truth.


Keshi.

DaBich said...

Shit's gettin deeper.
:;sigh::

Curare_Z said...

"Maybe they should change their cult's name to The House of Wrongweh."

That made me laugh so hard I snorted.

As for seven star hand's comments, "WHO ARE YOU?" I think you need to take some Prozac and calm down a bit.

The Phoenix said...

grafs, end of the world or not, i'm still paying for a shopping spree i had back in 1999.

seven star hand, thank you for illustrating my points perfectly.

david, i agree 100%. You put the clearest water through several dirty filters, all you get is muddy water.

karen, i was thinking more of hillary

carmel, people want all the answers - that's what feeds these cults

The Phoenix said...

jim, i'll have to take a raincheck. maybe we can have dinner while we're both roasting in hell.

amber, be ready!

mia, and don't forget your soduku book. That's a definite necessity.

keshi, ditto!

dabich, i choose not to step in it, however.

curare, you're so funny. i think a lot of doomsday pundits all need to take a prozac. just calm down. life is a mystery, and you'll never know all the answers.

ozymandiaz said...

Ya know, I'm preparing for the end of the AGAIN. Come Sept. 12 my bags will be packed AGAIN. But let me tell you something, I'm starting to get scepticle about the whole end of the world thing.

angel, jr. said...

Hi!!! We got to my Aunt's house early Thursday evening. The house got pounded by wind and rain around midnight. They lost some shingles and some plants were overturned. A neighbor's house lost some siding. Since I had never experienced anything like that--it felt like the end of the world.

Jamie Dawn said...

Your "Wrongweh" comment sent me over the edge of hilarity. Thanks for such clever writing!!

Now class, we are going to learn about wackos today. See Phoenix's blog for a good summary.

False prophets should be publically stoned to death. That way people won't be so inclined to make assinine predictions.

Anonymous said...

If you'd ever spent time in Abilene you would understand. It's not about predicting a doomsday, it's about praying for a doomsday to end one's misery.

O Ceallaigh said...

To anyone with the inclination, I recommend the Harper-Collins Study Bible, published in 1993 by (duh) Harper-Collins. Here, you will find non-theological (and non-sectarian theological) interpretations of many things. Including capsule summaries of what modern historians think that people like Isaiah were really talking about.

Like, Isaiah's waste land. Which was real. It was what the Assyrians did to the state of Israel; Isaiah was trying to get the state of Judah to wake up and do something before it suffered the same fate. That's gotten all turned around by those who would benefit if they could interpret the "prophecies" to men them. Starting with the Teacher of Righteousness, the leader of the Qumran (Dead Sea Scrolls) community in the second century BCE.

Oh - and that "666"? It just happens to be the numerical value of one form of the name Nero Caesar - who was enough of a beast to throw Christians to the lions in Rome, if my memory hasn't failed me.

Unfortunately ...

A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest ... - Paul Simon, The Boxer

The Phoenix said...

Whenever i hear someone saying things like "irrefutible evidence" and "absolute truth" my stomach tightens up.

And if anyone says something like, "In the Bible, it's crystal clear that..."

That's trouble too.

jay lassiter said...

well at least they are keeping themseves busy, chasing after the Raputure.

mad said...

Sheesh, I can hardly wait. Guess this means I won't have to take out the trash anymore.

LostInTX said...

Irrefutible evidence has proven these people are crazy. Sadly I admit that there are many of these wack jobs here in TX. We try to keep them out of the city, you see but they manage to get online and in the media somehow tainting our good ol' texas name. :)

Etchen said...

What the...? I don't think I will ever understand these cults. At elast this one doens't think a spaceship will be following a comet to come and get them

AndrewE said...

Great post!

I remember reading St John's Revelations as a boy, it scared the living daylights out of me. I had to sleep with the light on in my room from that point onwards...fyi I don't anymore, not since I'm the one paying the electric bill :)

mojotek said...

"*Satan is a female that controls the world's governments and religions."

Well, this is actually true... considering that the subconsious yearnign for poontang is probably responsible for 99% of the world's wars.

starbender said...

Be Afraid
..Be VERY AFRAID!!!

:o

The Phoenix said...

jay, and playing that new board game you can order from the 700 Club...The Tribulation!

mad, that's the only upside

lostintx, why are there so many religious nuts in TX anyway???

etchen, Hale Bopp is long gone.

andrewe, I agree. Revelations is scary stuff. So is Blake's poetry. Its imagery is frightning. But it's NOT prophecy.

mojotek, that - and for all those dudes getting beaten up on the Fox show COPS.

starbender, I'm not afraid. I'm more curious what will happen to this cult on Sept. 13.

Michelle said...

Oh crap, this means i only have 9 days left to prepare!
9 days left for chocolate,sex,red wine and ice cream overload, sounds great to me!

:P fuzzbox said...

Hate to be picky but it is Abilene, TX. They have a wacky side but Joe Allen's Bar-B-Que rules.

LostInTX said...

Phoenix: Besides the fact that it's red state? Lol.... I think because there is so much country and country breeds incest. J/K. I think it's just ignorance and lack of cultural variation and exposure. Like minded people keep teaching their spawn the same crap over and over. Unlike many fellow texans I don't think this is the greatest state. ever. That mentality often carries over into their personal beliefs and their religion. Ultra-conservatives and religion go hand in hand a lot of the time it seems.

ObilonKenobi said...

I predict 6/6/06. Wait that passed? I meant 6/6/3006. You'll see. I will be right.

amber said...

Ok..... i'm waiting!!!!!

Heheheheeheh

Good thing I have nothing better to do today...

lmao ;P

Marilyn Agee said...

I'm more confused than ever. Jesus the bastard just wont come!

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