Monday, January 7, 2008

The 2007 Darwin Awards

Another year, another set of Darwin Award nominees. What are the Darwin Awards? I guess you could say that those who lose their lives due to their own stupidity are given some recognition for strengthening the gene pool.

Sounds pretty mean, doesn't it.

I guess in one sense, it is. These people lost their lives, afterall. But from an objective perspective, the more idiots that rid themselves from the genetic pool, the stronger our species will be. So it's not so glum. It's for the best, really.

If you're interested, you can see my posts covering the 2006 Darwins and the 2005 Awards.

Don't Lose Your Head
In Guadalajara, Mexico, Jessica was working out at a hotel's gym. The 24 year old suddenly remembered that she needed something from the floor directly below. No one can figure out why she decided to use the industrial elevator shaft to yell at the people one floor down. She stuck her head into the shaft, and somehow managed to not notice the elevator coming straight up towards her. The lift was transporting a heap of scrap metal to a floor above, and it very easily decapitated the young lady.

I'm not a genius, nor do I have Chuck Norris-like abilities...but I think I would notice an elevator coming towards me from below.

Addicted to Enemas
58 year-old Michael, from Texas, was addicted to two things - alcohol and enemas. And he loved to combine the two. Michael had some sort of painful throat condition, so he wasn't able to get drunk like normal alcoholics.

One night, Michael decided to pour 100 fluid ounces of sherry up his ass. He got drunk as a skunk, and was found dead the next morning. Toxicology reports put his blood alcohol level at 0.47%. To think he died by shoving THREE LITERS of wine up his arse is actually pretty impressive. Moronic, but impressive.

Not So Safe Sex
In South Carolina, a cab driver found the naked bodies of a 20-something couple on the road. Although they were just barely alive, they died without regaining consciousness at the hospital. Police were completely at a loss. There was no sign of foul play, no abandoned vehicles, or anything.

After further investigation, they found the couples' clothes on a pyramid-shaped roof overlooking the street. It was evident that the couple was in the middle of having sex, and something called gravity took over.

Here's the punchline...one of the deceased's last name is TUMBLESTON.

43 comments:

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Nessa said...

I have to agree that these folks did our species a great favor.

jenn said...

How dare gravity get in the way of their rooftop fun?

The sherry though... now that's impressive.

Isn't it nice of these people to do stupid stuff to entertain us?

Happy New Year!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Am I warped because I found those awards EXTREMELY entertaining???

Yeah, I guess I am.

I can live with that.

R. Edmondson said...

Yep,these people really deserve such an award.

Happy New Year!!!

cube said...

Sometimes I think the gene pool could use a little more chlorine
;-)

BrianAlt said...

As always, very deserving winners.

ozymandiaz said...

WOO HOO! I've gon another year without making the darwin awards.

ozymandiaz said...

p.s. I like the Pyramid sex though... if I ever do make the awards, hopefuly is will because I'm getting it on in a very stupid place.

angel, jr. said...

Safe sex..that is funny!

Jim said...

Regrets. Phoenix: Do to previous obligation we will not be able to attend your wine tasting party.

Orhan Kahn said...

Addicted to enemas has my vote.

David Amulet said...

That last one reminds me of the old line: The worst part of sex on TV is the danger of falling off.

-- david

Phats said...

Addicted to Enemas? that's just nasty!

Hope 08 has started off well for ya, playing any tennis?

ajooja said...

I struggled though "Shoot 'Em Up" last night, where Clive Owen and Monica Belucci had sex in the midst of a shootout. Belucci finished, but neither died.

Only in movies, I guess. :)

THE BLUEST BUTTERFLY said...

Yug...more scary facts. One can get drunk by shoving alcohol up their arse. I wonder if the autopsy mentions exactly what happened when the method of alcohol poisoning is so unusual.

Kyahgirl said...

hopefully these incidents happened before any of them had a chance to reproduce!
Happy New Year!

Jay said...

So undignified.
I can't help but feel badly for their loved ones - this is no way to be remembered.
And do you think anyone will learn from these mind-boggling mistakes? It seems that every year, the list of nominees is just as long.

Sherri said...

I've read about the alcohol enema before. People like to do it because it's a quicker drunk and you don't suffer from some of the effects of consuming the alcohol. (Getting sick and throwing up....etc.)

Gross.

Karen said...

"alcohol and enemas"

dang! and all I had was a lousy V-8!

Jamie Dawn said...

Oh MY, it's good to know there are a LOT of people in the world way stupider than me.
:-)
I'm still perplexed that that lady didn't notice the elevator coming up since she was apparantly yelling DOWN to the floor below.
Maybe she was legally blind and deaf??!!!

the weirdgirl said...

Oy, that enema one sounds... painful. I guess if the alcohol is strong enough it just numbs your bum right up?

Bum numbing... ha!

DaBich said...

hOLY $#@7! How can anyone be so dumb?? And to think there are SO MANY of them out there walking around....skeery!

Fated said...

Hahaha I will never get over how ridiculously some people die. I wonder if these people were known as dumbasses in life too or if they were just lacking at the time of their death.

This has got to be my favorite feature of your blog. I look forward to it every year :)

Pixie said...

Don't Lose Your Head had my vote followed by Not So Safe Sex, things must have been quite passionate up on that roof to get so carried away....

Tai said...

Of course, for it to be a worthwhile award, they need to have left NO progeny behind.
And by the looks of things, there's progeny EVERYWHERE!
Gah.

meagan said...

Eeep! I just read these first two with my jaw dropped in surprise at such stupid people.

I especially like the image you found for the "decapitated lady" story. :-)

love meagan

Haley-O said...

Such a happy post today, Phoen! ;) CRAZY!

Rocky said...

Great stuff. I' ve heard of getting drunk off your ass, but never in it.

Phats said...

These are interesting. Thanks for sharing!

Watch the Aussie Open?? Sharapova was TOUGH

Jillian said...

Phoenix - Where you at buddy? I've been missing your posts a lot! It's almost been a full month since you have last posted!

Come back to us! :-)

KC said...

Is everything all right with you? It's been so long since you've posted or created a podcast. I miss you and hope all is well.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Helllllloooooo?

Anybody home?????

kim said...

I just found out recently that a film was made called "The Darwin Awards" starring Wynona Ryder and Joseph Finnes, among others. The plot: A forensic detective (Fiennes) and an insurance claims investigator (Ryder) trek to investigate a potential Darwin Award winner. From www.darwinawards.com: "The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways."

Check it out, looks like it was straight to DVD in the US: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0428446/

(BTW, miss you!!)

Tai said...

Miss you, man...hope everything is okay!

Mr. Friendly said...

Phoenix,
Where's the hell is Keshi?

Your lover.

DLAK said...

Hey brother, wishing you well, hope all is good. You were one of the first bloggers I met and you have always been alot of fun. Peace

Phats said...

Hope everything is OK phoenix!

Mimi said...

Now this is news! I am so sick of hearing about the NY gov! I want more of this stuff! Am I crazy? Oh well!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Still ignoring us, huh?

You booger...;)

cube said...

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're OK.

David Amulet said...

Woe is us due to your extended absence. I hope that you are feeling all right and that the cause is apathy or lack of time, not your health.

jenn said...

Am joining in the "Where's Phoenix?" search.

Hope all is well.

Come back. We miss you!!

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