Christmas is a time of joy and happiness. Where we hold high the ideals, and hope for a better world. Unfortunately, there's a lot of garbage that gets in the way. So in the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge, I give you my twelve Christmas annoyances:
1) Early Bird Specials. First of all, I hate early birds all year-long. At garage sales for example, these early vultures stalk the neighborhood, trying to get stuff cheaper than a quarter. During the holidays, it's much worse. Why would stores deliberately want to entice these cranky shoppers so early in the morning?
2) Giftcards. Nothing says "Hey, I really don't care to think too hard about you" like a stupid giftcard. Personally, I'd rather receive a hand-written note. Something even a little more personal. One year, I got two giftcards to Starbucks. And I don't drink coffee!
3) Bing Crosby. Okay, normally I like the guy. But I HATE his version of White Christmas. It's overplayed on the radio, I hate his crooning runs (reminds me of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon), and whistling gets on my nerves. The only whistling I can stand is from "Walk Like an Egyptian." I will say that Bing and David Bowe's "Little Drummer Boy" is both creepy and very good.
4) Atheists. I'm still trying to figure out how you can believe in nothing. Isn't believing in nothing still believing in something? Atheists are angry all year-long, but Christmas seems to bring out the hate. Leave the Christmas lights alone, don't protest having a tree in the classroom, and just go on believing in nothing over there in the corner and let the rest of us sheep have our fun.
5) Spoiled brats. I once went to a Christmas get together, and my family was actually the only group not part of the hosts' extended family. So when they decided to open presents, it was a two-hour depression-filled show of watching all of these kids get mountains of expensive gifts. All the while, me and my brother and sister are just sitting there in awe. I felt like crap. And I'm sure my parents felt like crap. But the people opening all of their gifts looked like they were having a good time.
6) Nutcrackers. First of all, I hate the word nutcracker. Second of all, these stupid things don't really crack nuts. They disintegrate in my hands. Probably made in China.
7) LED Christmas lights. These things do not give off the warm glow of Christmas. More like a harsh blast of electric radiation. They might last longer, and be more efficient, but the strange hue these lights emit make your house look radioactive or like a long lost ship from the planet Krypton.
8) Lexus Commercials. First of all, the people in these commercials are beautiful. Secondly, they are young. Thirdly, it's obscene to think that people actually do this shit in real life. Dealerships can even provide you with a big-ass red bow to go on top of your luxury vehicle gift, you materialistic good-looking yuppie bastard.
9) The Must Haves. Why don't people realize that they are being controlled by advertisers. Growing up, I watched news footage of grown mothers beating the crap out of each other for a Cabbage Patch Doll. Then it was Tickle Me Elmo, Furby, Zhu Zhu pets. Look at #5 on my list. Parents out there, don't give in to the hype! Stay strong. Don't be a drone.
10) The War on Christmas. Look, there's no WAR on Christmas. Just calm down people. There happens to be a bunch of other holidays going on this time of year. Yes, Christmas is Christmas - the king of holidays here. And yes, there is a little of that political correctness going on. But let's not be sensitive pricks like the atheists. If anybody has a right to be angry, it's the pagans. We Christians just ripped the solstice from right under their feet 1500 years ago.
11) The Post Office. I think ebay has killed any morale you might find within a postal office. On top of that, dump Christmas gift shipping and long lines, and you've got yourself the perfect storm for at least one huge outburst from some grumpy person on either side of the counter. That's why I now go to the drug store for stamps.
Blogging since 2005.
Medical sales warrior by day, writing ninja by night...
I am the author of The Mechanica Wars series. The first book, Dragonfly Warrior, will be published in January, 2014 by 4 Wing Press.
I love science fiction, fantasy, literary fiction, biographies, and chocolate chip cookies.