Thursday, December 15, 2011

Bah Humbug Blahg Fest

Christmas is a time of joy and happiness. Where we hold high the ideals, and hope for a better world. Unfortunately, there's a lot of garbage that gets in the way. So in the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge, I give you my twelve Christmas annoyances:

1) Early Bird Specials. First of all, I hate early birds all year-long. At garage sales for example, these early vultures stalk the neighborhood, trying to get stuff cheaper than a quarter. During the holidays, it's much worse. Why would stores deliberately want to entice these cranky shoppers so early in the morning?

2) Giftcards. Nothing says "Hey, I really don't care to think too hard about you" like a stupid giftcard. Personally, I'd rather receive a hand-written note. Something even a little more personal. One year, I got two giftcards to Starbucks. And I don't drink coffee!

3) Bing Crosby. Okay, normally I like the guy. But I HATE his version of White Christmas. It's overplayed on the radio, I hate his crooning runs (reminds me of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon), and whistling gets on my nerves. The only whistling I can stand is from "Walk Like an Egyptian." I will say that Bing and David Bowe's "Little Drummer Boy" is both creepy and very good.

4) Atheists. I'm still trying to figure out how you can believe in nothing. Isn't believing in nothing still believing in something? Atheists are angry all year-long, but Christmas seems to bring out the hate. Leave the Christmas lights alone, don't protest having a tree in the classroom, and just go on believing in nothing over there in the corner and let the rest of us sheep have our fun.

5) Spoiled brats. I once went to a Christmas get together, and my family was actually the only group not part of the hosts' extended family. So when they decided to open presents, it was a two-hour depression-filled show of watching all of these kids get mountains of expensive gifts. All the while, me and my brother and sister are just sitting there in awe. I felt like crap. And I'm sure my parents felt like crap. But the people opening all of their gifts looked like they were having a good time.

6) Nutcrackers. First of all, I hate the word nutcracker. Second of all, these stupid things don't really crack nuts. They disintegrate in my hands. Probably made in China.

7) LED Christmas lights. These things do not give off the warm glow of Christmas. More like a harsh blast of electric radiation. They might last longer, and be more efficient, but the strange hue these lights emit make your house look radioactive or like a long lost ship from the planet Krypton.

8) Lexus Commercials. First of all, the people in these commercials are beautiful. Secondly, they are young. Thirdly, it's obscene to think that people actually do this shit in real life. Dealerships can even provide you with a big-ass red bow to go on top of your luxury vehicle gift, you materialistic good-looking yuppie bastard.

9) The Must Haves. Why don't people realize that they are being controlled by advertisers. Growing up, I watched news footage of grown mothers beating the crap out of each other for a Cabbage Patch Doll. Then it was Tickle Me Elmo, Furby, Zhu Zhu pets. Look at #5 on my list. Parents out there, don't give in to the hype! Stay strong. Don't be a drone.

10) The War on Christmas. Look, there's no WAR on Christmas. Just calm down people. There happens to be a bunch of other holidays going on this time of year. Yes, Christmas is Christmas - the king of holidays here. And yes, there is a little of that political correctness going on. But let's not be sensitive pricks like the atheists. If anybody has a right to be angry, it's the pagans. We Christians just ripped the solstice from right under their feet 1500 years ago.

11) The Post Office. I think ebay has killed any morale you might find within a postal office. On top of that, dump Christmas gift shipping and long lines, and you've got yourself the perfect storm for at least one huge outburst from some grumpy person on either side of the counter. That's why I now go to the drug store for stamps.

12) People who complain about Christmas.


Anonymous said...

I looooooooove gift cards! Especially if they're for my bookstore.

Phats said...

This post was great and the picture at the end was awesome haha

I am with you on starbucks a few of my summer tennis kids got me those i regifted them.

J.C. Martin said...

LOL Great list! Although I must say I don't mind gift cards: then I can get something I really want! And I have to admit I'm a more laid-back version of the atheist: an agnostic. Go ahead and celebrate your holidays, I'm game for the ride, the presents, and the days off work! :)

Speaking of atheists spoiling the fun for everyone, have you heard this debacle?

In a nutshell, there was no X'mas tree, just a "decorated tree," and there's no X'mas, but "the winter holidays." How preposterous is that?

And BIG CONGRATULATIONS on your upcoming release! Wonderful news indeed! :D

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Thanks for an early morning laugh!
Those people in the Lexus commercials are so fake. If I got my wife a car for Christmas, ANY car, she'd scream and cry and create a scene. Those people act like someone just gave them a five dollar Starbucks card.
And Amen on number four!

Jay Noel said...

Riann: I actually like giftcards - if they're to a store I will go to. That's the key.

Phats: I just handed mine to my brother, who is a Starbucks fiend.

Jay Noel said...

JC: It's stuff like that that really irritates me. If anything, it brings even MORE animosity towards atheists. Thanks so much. Looks like 2012 will be BOTH of our years.

Alex: I hear ya. My wife would kick me hard, burn that bow, and then make me drive back to the dealership in tears!

Grumpy Bulldog, Secret Agent said...

Atheists don't believe in "nothing"; they believe in rationality and science. If you want to call that "faith" then find. If you want to think The Big Man in the Sky goes around giving people cancer and blowing people up while simultaneously making sure your fantasy football team wins, that's your issue. I guess I'm just a little more grown up about these things.

As for gift cards, my sister explicitly requested Disney gift cards since they're going there next month. So that's what they're getting! And if you don't want Starbucks cards, send them my way. I don't like coffee either (unless it's in a frappe) but they have good iced tea.

Thanks for participating!

Jay Noel said...

I know a few atheists, and they are intelligent but angry people. I LOVE science (I blogged about it for 5 years), and although I'm spiritual, I don't believe that The Big Man plays chess with our lives at all. Don't have to be agnostic or atheistic to be irritated how so many people attribute every little thing to God. It's a pet peeve of mine, actually.

If I get any more Starbucks bucks, I'll let ya know. Thanks for this, what a great blogfest!

Milo James Fowler said...

I can agree with most of these, Jay -- but not the giftcards! As a teacher, I always prefer a Starbucks or Target card to another mug, tie, or reindeer sweater. (I kid you not.)

Dafeenah said...

This made me LOL! I love giftcards. I would so rather have a giftcard is a pair of socks. Buy me a giftcard even if I don't drink coffee and having my house look like the mother ship from Krypton? I think I'd keep them on all year long then. The rest I pretty much agree on!! Funny list.

Jay Noel said...

I think I'm biased against giftcards because I work in the incentive industry and I'm having to constantly educate my corporate clients about the major difference between a single store giftcard (like a Target card) and a prepaid VISA/MasterCard (which is what I sell to businesses to give to their employees, customers, prospects).

But my employer also owns for regular consumers. And at least there, a person can personalize a credit card with any photo and actual holiday or greeting card. At least it shows additional thoughtfulness!

Jay Noel said...

Thanks Dafeenah. I actually got socks for Christmas one year, but they were really COOL socks. Seriously. State-of-the-art stuff.

Rusty Webb said...

Hey, our lists are similar. I think most of us probably find similar things frustrating at the end of the day. And atheists aren't all angry - just the angry ones.

The Desert Rocks said...

Made in China? Atheists? Solstice? Beautiful people? Man-oh-man are you trying to get kicked off of the internet for not being PC? Loved this post and I want to do one about the 12 things I love about Christmas. Oh and who you callin' a sheep? LOL

T. S. Bazelli said...

You know what I can't stand? I worked retail one winter, so it's the music they play in the malls. I swear it was still October when they started playing Christmas music... and it was the same track listing every day for 3 months (you could tell the time by what song was playing). It ruined the music for me forever!

Angela Scott said...

Lexus commercials! No kidding. Or the fancy jewelry commercials. Ummm, who spends thousands of dollars on one person for Christmas? (I'd love to be a part of that family, though. Just saying :)

Anyway, it's all crazy.

Merry Christmas!

Jay Noel said...

Rusty: I agree, the angry ones are VERY angry. Great minds think alike. Great minds.

Eve: Yes, I'm trying to stir the pot. Like I said, all in the name of fun. And I do hope the beautiful, atheistic, Chinese people don't hate me.

TS: I have a blog buddy that HATES Glee - especially last year's Christmas album, as they played it all day everyday. From Nov - Jan.

Jay Noel said...

Angela: Thanks for stopping by. The jewelry ones really do get on my nerves too. Especially Kay Jewelers. I make fun of their jingle.

"Every kiss begins with Kay..."

I sing: "Bankruptcy begins with B..."

Christine Rains said...

I avoid gift cards and try to get creative. Though most people I know prefer the gift cards. I hate those commercials too. And that Garmin ad song gets stuck in my head, driving me mad with nutcracker rage. My father use to collect the things. Some were almost as creepy as the Elf on the Shelf.

Chippy said...

I suppose receiving gift cards is better than just receiving money. With gift cards they will have had to actually decide on a particular shop... hopefully somewhere you actually like.

But they aren't as much fun to unwrap - "here's an envelope, guess what's inside."

David P. King said...

I don't mind gift cards. Or giving them, especially if said person won't give me any clues to getting them an actual gift. I don't like guessing what people would like. But I do make an effort to grant them a card to a place they like.

Awesome list, sir. :)

Jay Noel said...

Christine: Thanks for visiting. I find the Elf on the Shelf extremely creepy, and refuse to allow the pervert into my home.

Chippy: Let me plug my employer:
You can give a prepaid VISA card, and even make one with any picture you own! It's like cash, they can use it anywhere, but much more personal. Okay, no more plugging my company.

David: Thanks man!

M Pax said...

My husband got me a Toyota one year for Christmas ... although not really. We needed a new car and it just happened to be December when we bought it. It did not come with a bow on it. I feel cheated. :)

Anyone who drives like that through the snow around here deserves the dents and tow truck that are coming.

The Golden Eagle said...

Not LEDs! LOL. I like them, though you're right--they don't have the same feel of the larger, older ones.

Crystal Licata said...

Ha Ha! I hate the LED Christmas lights too and the Lexus commercials. Really? Like that every happens. What's worse are the jewelry commercials..Gag! Great post :)

Cindy said...

As for #7, struggling with lights is also an annoying thing. Especially when they all go out and you can't find the bad one. Great post!

Mr. Shife said...

Great list, Jay. I am with you on all of these especially the Post Office because I just got out of that giant suck hole earlier after waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. And waiting.

Jay Noel said...

MPax: The dealership should have included the big red bow, just for helping them make their end-of-year quota!

The Golden Eagle: I like the IDEA of LEDs, but they don't feel warm. They look kinda cold. But if you're going to do LED, do the whole house in it. Mixing standard and LED just looks weird.

Crystal: I can see jewelry. That's perfectly appropriate. But a Lexus? Just rubs it into the faces of the rest of us.

Jay Noel said...

Cindy: The worst is when the little glass breaks and you slice your hand open. Not fun. And I've done that several times!

Mr Shife: Thanks man. My wait wasn't too long, but it was literally 2 minutes before closing when I slipped in, and they gave me dirty looks.

Pk Hrezo said...

lol.... I said "yep" to just about every one of those. Except gift cards. I like gift cards cuz I usually don't like the gifts I get. lol
Sorry i didn't get over here sooner... been a busy week. Loved your answers tho!!

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