Monday, June 10, 2013

I'm Grumpy and I Know It

It's Monday morning, and I'm not in a good mood. My traveling has been nuts the last few weeks, so I apologize for my lack of visiting. This weekend was crazy too. Got food poisoning or a stomach virus. Yeah, not fun at all. And this week is going to be busy.

So I'm not in a good mood. At all.

When I'm cranky, it seems everything bothers me. So today, I want to give you a quick list of things that seem to really get on my nerves lately.

1) People who don't use the left turn lane. Remember when the road was shut down for two months so they could build that turn lane for drivers to use instead of blocking traffic? So why can't drivers get the hell out of the main road and go to that convenient turn lane to go buy donuts or get their coffee addiction-on?

2) Bitchy Mothers. Dealt with a bitchy lady yesterday - someone I don't even know. A neighbor's sister with 98 children and one on the way. I know hormones can play havoc on your emotions, but for the love of Vishnu - then stop reproducing.

3) Snazzy dialog tags. I've blogged about this a couple times. And I've been helping a few writers break their habit of using them. But another "author" argued with me about this. Shrieked, muttered, growled, hissed, screeched, sassed, retorted, etc....all of these are shitty dialog tags. Dialog tags should be invisible. If you feel the need to use descriptive dialog tags, either your writing is poor or you're insecure about the strength of your prose and dialog. Using descriptive dialog tags is like putting $1000 rims on a Yugo.

4) Prequels. What's the deal? Look, I have a big ego too. Most writers do. But holy crap, must an author indulge and write stuff about characters they love so much, that there's a need to detour a series' main plot and go backwards? Look what happened with Star Wars Episode I. Almost every prequel I've read has been the Jar-Jar Binks of literature. more damn prequels.

5) Novellas. This goes hand in hand with prequels. Why write a novella spin-off? Look, I know you "killed your pretties" during the editing process and you're left with 10,000 - 20,000 words you've hacked. There's a reason why. Don't reshape and repackage that backstory crap into a spin-off novella. Again, it's pure indulgence. Go forward with your series' story and stop taking so many detours. It's annoying, and I've read so many "pure" readers' negative reviews on prequels. It's unsatisfying for them. Fellow writers and maybe a select few die-hards might appreciate it, but they're not your main audience (hopefully not).

6) Television. I don't watch TV that much these days. There are a few gems, but they are truly rare. Reality television sucks atomic donkey balls. So sick of it. Look, when "Celebrity Wife Swap" now has Melissa and Joan Rivers going to Alaska, and Bristol Palin taking over their shallow show that critiques what celebs wear on the red carpet, they're obviously out of ideas. These people are hardly celebrities, and they're not even wives. I'd rather watch an old Scooby Doo episode than any of the stuff on TV right now.

7) The weather. What is going on? I'm on the road a lot. And I've been stuck in tornadoes, floods, storms...last summer it was drought and heat. Seriously, the only things missing are the locusts and Death on a Pale Horse.

8) Justin Bieber. 'Nuff said.

9) Twitter. Everytime I get on Twitter, I'm entertained for maybe 30 seconds. Then I'm reminded why Twitter sucks. #tweetthisyoumutha$#@!

10) Hipsters. God I hate hipsters. You know, I don't care about how you dress, the music you like, or even your political views. I try to get along with everyone. What I hate about Hipsters is how they believe that they are above everyone else. And they're really a bunch of hypocrites. Hard to take a Hipster seriously talking about how greedy the 1% is when you're in your $500 jeans, holding your $600 iPad, talking on your $700 iPhone 5. Not to mention how you eat out all the time, until you start dating and all of a sudden you become gastrosexuals. You're part of the problem. Now go suck it.


Matthew MacNish said...

LOL. You're pretty ticked.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I bet your list could be longer! I have no prequel planned - promise!

Jay Noel said...

Matthew: I had to get that off my chest. I feel better now.

Alex: It could have been, but the negativity had already been drawn out.

Pat Dilloway said...

That post really gives me a run for money in terms of grumpiness. I will agree about prequels and reality TV. I really can't understand the people who watch "Survivor" and "The Bachelor(ette)" and "American Idol' every year for the last 13 years considering every year it seems like the same thing from the commercials. Get a life, people!

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Wow, you are grumpy! :) I was just talking to my mom this morning about Justin Bieber and I realized I don't know a single song by him. Not even the chorus. How I've missed hearing them all I'm not sure, but I'm okay with it.

D.G. Hudson said...

'There Oughta Be A Law', as cartoonist Jimmy Hatlo said in his old comics strip.

I agree with 1,3,6,8,and 9. But I disagree about novellas and mothers. Neither are created equal - some should have never been, but some are golden, Jay.

You just need a little down time. Hope this week is better for you!

Michael Offutt, "Johnny on the Spot" said...

Oh my. I rather like this post. It's very cool.

T. S. Bazelli said...

That made me laugh. Ahh Mondays :(

Anonymous said...

Re-reads the parts about novellas and dialogue tags and slowly slinks down and chair, ducking head so hair covers face -- not me.

And on behalf of Canada...sorry about the Biebs. We don't want him either.

DEZMOND said...

it seems tones of us had food poisoning this weekend.I smell international (in my case intergalactic) conspiracy.

Dana said...

Sometimes you just need to get it all out. Glad you're feeling better now. I hope the rest of the week goes well.

Robin said...


I don't know if this will make you feel any better but I dedicated something to you on my Thursday post. Hope you like it...

Jay Noel said...

Pat: This reads high on the grumpy-meter for sure.

Rachel: I know three songs if I heard them. Don't know how that happened...

D.G. Yes, I need downtime. Good point.

Michael: Once in a while, I need to let off some steam. I feel 100x better now.

Jay Noel said...

Riann: I liked him on YouTube. He was cute, he could sing...he wasn't a crazy douchebag yet.

Dez: Man, it sucked. I'm still not 100%

Dana: Thanks so much. And yes, I feel so much better now.

Robin: I's funny reading what I wrote this morning. I'm in a better mood, so I find the grumpy post quite entertaining.

M Pax said...

You should see the way they drive in my town... arrrgh!! Yeah, I need canons and an eye patch to deal with it. A few sharks might be helpful.

Some stories shouldn't be longer and a novella is OK. Depends. Agree with you on tags and prequels and most reality TV. I do like cooking shows, though.

Falling Skies is back and Sinbad was pretty good. Otherwise, no to TV.

Hope you catch your breath soon. :)

Sabrina A. Fish said...

Oh man, you had it bad. I'm glad to see you are feeling better now. And I have to add to the left turn lane thing...don't use your stinking blinker 3 turns before you actually plan to turn! Aaarrrhhh! *wink*

I feel better now, too!

Veronica Sicoe said...

That was the most refreshing blog post I've read in months. Thank you!! :D

And yes, WTF is it about prequels?! Every single one I've seen sucked. No exception. None.
... she roared angrily.

Martin Willoughby said...

I was nodding and agreeing all the way through. I'm trying to get a fellow author to drop the dialogue tags, but with no luck so far.

nutschell said...

Boy you are in a grumpy mood. Have some lumpia--might help ease the stress :D Although I do agree about all your pet peeves. Especially the bieber part. haha.

the weirdgirl said...

OK, I agreed with everything except for the novellas. I think novellas and short stories are becoming a viable strategy for e-book marketing. It kind of gives you an introduction to a new author or a taste of an established one between novels. And frankly, I'm really sick of how long a lot of these books are getting! It's not a fricking competition to write the biggest book! Sometimes I just want to read something short and satisfying, like Richard Kadrey's Sandman Slim novella or Neil Gaiman's "How To Talk To Girls At Parties". Know what I mean?

Oh, and have you watched Orphan Black on BBC America? You have to get on that!

Sheena-kay Graham said...

I hate reality television too. I'm sorry you're sick and wish you the best. But I have to disagree with you on prequels and novellas. Once done properly they can be great.

Maurice Mitchell said...

Celebrity Wife Swap is stretching the term to it's limit. I'm sure by now you're feeling better, but a belated "Get well soon!"

farawayeyes said...

Wow! I must be grump too. Gastrosexuals! YIKES! I'm still laughing so hard, I can barely type.

Michael L. Turner said...

Number 8 could have been said with something less and more colorful.

The Desert Rocks said...

Yikes, I hope you're not reading my book this week. I also hope you'll feel 'normal' soon. :)

Mr. Shife said...

Hey buddy. Hopefully all is better now. TGIF, right? Enjoy your weekend, and have yourself a Happy Father's Day!

Elizabeth Twist said...

Oh those dialogue tags.

Personally, I quite enjoyed this rant. Much respect to you for being able to turn your bad mood into an entertaining post.

Jay Noel said...

Everytime I read this post, I think: Damn, I was really cranky.

David List said...

I love this post. And I stand beside you on a lot of that... But I've started using dialogue tags a bit more, because I saw it done effectively. True story.

Melissa Bradley said...

HIgh fives! I love going off on a tear. And I do use dialogue tags, sorry, but some things have to be hissed. ;)

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